Eric Mangini Vows to Take Browns to the SuperBowl

Cleveland Browns head coach, Eric Mangini announced to the media today that he intends to take the Browns to the SuperBowl, shocking the AP who were gathered for the press conference. Mangini insisted that he has been putting in late hours and lots of effort to ensure that when he delivers the Browns to the SuperBowl they make a big splash. "I have every intention of taking the Browns to the SuperBowl, starting right after this press conference" declared Mangini.


When asked about his overtime efforts, Mangini told reporters that he and his staff have been meeting nightly at PF Chang's after practice. "We all come to PF Chang's and make sure we leave no leaf unturned, then when PF Chang's closes, we adjourn to the Waffle House." The Waffle House allows Mangini and his staff to continue their meetings into the early morning hours, as it is open 24/7.


Mangini said that if he's successful in taking the Browns to the SuperBowl the first time around, he'll try for two in a row. "If the Superbowl can handle my Browns the first time around, there is no reason why I shouldn't try for a repeat." For more on this story, read here.

The SuperBowl

Douchebags Release Public Service Announcement, Show Solidarity

Did you know there are over 1 million douchebags in America? That's what this new PSA tells us, it also tells us that they are tired of being mocked and mistreated. They've had it with people making fun of their frosted tips, multi-colored-pop-collared shirts, over-use of words like fuck and bro, and their public fondling of women. They are bonding together to let America know that they're not going to take it any longer. Douchebags even want us to know that the word 'Douche' is actually a good thing, a cleansing thing!

Yankees Win MLB's Championship Series, Manchester United Fans Everywhere Rejoice!

See, I don't really hate the Yankees, I honestly care too little to feel one way or another about them. I can't be bothered to actively hate, let alone watch their games. I grew up in a baseball-less town - Washington DC - and I adopted the Rockies when I moved to Colorado basically for my own convenience. If people around me were fans, I'd absorb enough information via osmosis to go to a handful of games a year and not be leaning over to ask, "Who's this Tulozoswitz guy?" I'm not upset with the Yankees's payroll - hey it's MLB's rules, and they play by them. If the Monford's of Denver spent the way Steinbrenner does, nobody in Colorado would be up in arms. Baseball doesn't have a salary cap, so until that changes, don't blame an owner who wants to win. And until they do, the Rockies will be a farm team for the big guys - bye bye Tulo, Mauer, Holiday, thanks for the good times!

No, I'm gunning for you Yankee fans with little discernable connection to the team. I'm hunting down you Manchester United fans who don't know what offsides is, but really like David Beckham's underwear ads that are all over LA. I'm calling out you non-Catholic Notre Dame fans whose closest connection to God is a point to the sky and a wave at Touch Down Jesus. I'm coming after you NZ All Blacks fans who can't pronounce Maori and whose only link to New Zealand is Flight of the Conchords on HBO. You're from California, Florida, Connecticut, or Texas; your dad lived in New York for a couple years or you went to Radio City Music Hall for spring break... and now you are a diehard Yankees fan. You are the Kevin Bacon of Yankees six degrees of separation and you must repeatedly rationalize your fanhood to your skeptics. You know who you are too - you're the ones getting angry right about now while the real fan with no explaining to do reads on calmly.

Teams with notoriously high payrolls have an inordinate number of these cling-on fans, simply because of the team's high profile. Americans root for Manchester United because they are the most famous team in the world. The Blackburn Rovers have no money-no success compared to Man U, which is why nobody in the US supports them. If I asked the average Denverite for three Premier League teams, they'd probably go with Man U, Liverpool, and Chelsea. Why? Because they spend like Steinbrenner... and win like the Yankees. Consequently, no Brit, when asked to name three MLB teams would stray far from Yankees, Red Sox, Dodgers.

What irks me is that you cling so desperately and vehemently to "your team", getting angry and defensive when someone trash talks them. It's like they are a pacifier and the multitude of other "fans" are your security blanket, you hope others will come to your aid. Your first response is to put down the team of whoever is coming after you - yeah, my team sucks, but I still love them - you're trying to change the subject. Then you sip that rage-ahol, "don't talk shit about my team! Screw you! aahhHHHhh!" You get defensive and angry. Then you try to rationalize it, "you see my mom's family lives in upstate New York and we visit for Thanksgiving a lot." Yeah? Well fuck them, they are probably Mets fans anyway, oh, and say hello to your mother for me. The next step is Dismissiveness, using your female-impersonating-a-dumb-male-caveman-voice, "yeah, well, I dont even care, so ungh." This is you realizing that nothing you say can convince me that you're a true fan, you have no other real answer outside of physical violence.

Real connections, you get a pass in my book. Your Dad actively watches all the Cubs games as you were growing up? Understood, it's osmosis. Your town/state doesn't have a team? You get to root for the next closest team - as long as you don't actively skip over some for no good reason until you arrive at a dominant team. If you're from Connecticut and refused to watch the Patriots because they sucked circa 1990s, you don't get to skip over the Giants, Jets, and Eagles to arrive in central Pennsylvania and root for the Steelers. Your team moved cities or arrived in your current city after you had settled on a different team? Pass. But if you went to a game at the USC Coliseum once while visiting your Aunt and you really like their colors, try again buddy.

If you got angry reading this because you felt like it was a personal attack on you, then it probably was a personal attack on you ('cept Russ, he know's im kidding). You probably got angry because you're the "I have to explain why I get to be a fan" guy. Maybe you should honestly think about why you like the team - let me give you a hint, it's not simply because you have a couple uncles that live there, it's a lot less personal and much more superficial than that. It's probably more that they win a lot and you like their color scheme, plus there was an extra seat on the bandwagon so you hopped on board - you love trying to be part of a winning tradition, don't you?

So to all New Yorkers, today I congratulate you. Good job on bringing it all together. To those New Yorkers extended family, congrats also. And to other Yankees "fans", gggoooooooo Manchester United!!! Let's win the treble!!

These Ain't your Dad's 'Aints!

The New Orleans Saints managed to stay undefeated at home against the Atlanta Falcons on Monday Night Football. At 7-0 they are one of two undefeated teams left in the NFL (the Colts are the other). My Dad started rooting for New Orleans when he moved there in 1982 and the team was known as the "Aints". They were bad, really bad. But now, they have the easiest remaining schedule of any team in the NFL according to ESPN. And because ESPN likes to drum up stories, they are playing the undefeated season angle on the Saints. Their remaining games are as follows:

Sunday, Nov 8 - Carolina

Sunday, Nov 15 - @ St. Louis

Sunday, Nov 22 - @ Tampa Bay

Monday, Nov 30 - New England

Sunday, Dec 6 - @ Washington

Sunday, Dec 13 - @ Atlanta

Saturday, Dec 19 - Dallas

Sunday, Dec 27 - Tampa Bay

Sunday, Jan 3 - @ Carolina

Brees is doing his best Peyton imitation as he tears up opposing secondaries and consistently makes great throws downfield. That, combined with the Stay-Puff schedule, means that Saints have a pretty legit shot to go undefeated this year. With the majority of their schedule being comprised of the NFC south powder puff teams, the Saints will be the odds on favorite in every game from here on out.

Despite this, I believe the Saints are going to have a nasty faceplant of a fall soon. The most likely games for them to lose would be against New England in the Superdome or in Atlanta against the Falcons. I think those games are too hard for the Saints to overlook - more likely New Orleans will be looking ahead just a bit and fall right on their asses against a hapless team like Washington or Tampa Bay. I have a feeling that some embarassing Lions-esque loss will happen to the Saints and ruin their perfect season. I know that's just the pesemist in me, but that's how I see it going down! ...Or who knows, maybe they will be the first undefeated team in the past couple decades.

Stephen Colbert Will Sponsor US Speedskating at Vancouver Olympics

Stephen Colbert, mock right-wing talk show host, loves America. He loves it so much that he's throwing his name behind the until recently sponsorless US Olympic Speedskating team. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! US Speedskating's previous sponsor, Dutch DSB Bank NV, went bankrupt in October and left the team without a major sponsor with the Olympics closing in. Fortunately, Stephen stepped up and signed a rather unique deal with the team. The show isn't paying the team any money directly. Instead, Colbert is calling on his fans to donate to the team via http://www.colbertnation.com and http://www.usspeedskating.org/.

This means the main sponsor will be emblazoned on the team uniforms as "Colbert Nation", no just The Report or Stephen Colbert himself. The games begin in February, which means that the Nation will have to step up and raise at least the $300,000 that DSB Bank would have donated. "We're highly optimistic that the country is going to get behind this and get behind the Colbert Nation and support this amazing team," U.S. Speedskating executive director Robert Crowley said. "I don't have any idea if it's going to make $5 or $500,000."

"On their enormous, billboard thighs, it will say, 'Colbert Nation,'" Colbert said in an interview before Monday evening's taping. "Be looking for that logo as it comes around the final turn. It will be easy to see because it will be in first place." Apparently the speedskaters themselves are embracing the new sponsor as Apolo Anton Ohno said that he loves Comedy Central and the Report. Ohno said he's even do a sketch with Colbert if asked and said he was excited to see how creatives the Colbert Report gets in its promotion of US Speedskating.

Colbert is also considering taking his show on the road to broadcast from Vancouver during the games now that he has a vested interest. Stephen did mention the drawbacks that he is facing as the sponsor of the team: "It still tragically involves a lot of Canadians," the comedian said. "It's kind of unseemly how many Canadians I'm going to have to be dealing with." The name "Colbert Nation" will be emblazoned on the team's uniforms and I'm sure we'll see a lot of them on the Colbert Report in the weeks to come!

Call of Duty Modern Warfare Ad Is Awesome, Has No Game Footage

This new TV spot for Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 was just released and I think it's hilarious. It's a reflection of exactly the dialogue that goes on between two friends who have just bought the game. The extended spot has virtually no game footage other than what you can see over the second guy's shoulder on his TV. It's pretty cool considering that lack of in-game shots. It does just as good of a job selling me on the game as a in-game, explosion-packed rocket-fest would have.

This is basically what happens between my roommates and I - except I guess we're even more pathetic since we're in the same house speaking on Xbox live headsets to one another... The spot does jump the shark a little at the end, but I was laughing enough already so I'm still entertained.