Happy Birthday Chuck Norris, You're 70 and Can Destroy Anyone

Chuck Norris was born this day in 1940, making him way older than anybody thought he was. At 70 he will be able to exercise his right to early bird specials, priority seating on the bus, and social security. By that I mean he will be serviced by a flock of hand maidens each morning, he will take your seat on the bus by force, and he'll kick anyone's ass that messes with the USA - social security, bitch!

Chuck Norris is of course, the subject of a internet fad that cropped up in 2005 involving Chuck and incredible feats of strength and awesomeness. This could have been brought on by Conan O'Brien's introduction of the Walker Texas Ranger Lever on his show, Late Night. Conan would keep the lever by his desk and simply pull it to play a 5-second clip of WTR featuring Chuck Norris' amazing feats like shooting a man out of a helicopter with a snub-nosed pistol, destroying 6 bad guys single-handedly, or saving falling babies from burning buildings.

Norris served in the US Air Force before beginning his martial arts movie and television career. He has kicked ass on all continents, indiscriminantly and thoroughly. He starred with Bruce Lee in Way of the Dragon, also kicking lots of ass. He then went on to police all of Texas by himself and sweep Christie Brinkly off her feet with his Total Gym machine. So here's to you, Chuck Norris, happy 70th birthday. You still have the vitality of three twenty year olds, so keep on roudhouse kicking! And Now, some of my favorite Chuck Norris Jokes:

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris got his driver's license at age 16. Seconds.

Chuck Norris is a vegetarian... meaning he does not eat animals until he first puts them into a vegetative state with his fists.

Chuck Norris doesn't own a microwave or oven, because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

Feel the Rhythm, Feel the Rhyme, Get on Up! It's...Iditarod Time?

You know they can't believe, Jamaica, we have a dogsled team!

Newton Marshall is a former Jamaican tour guide turned dogsled racer. He is the first Jamaican musher to compete in Alaska's Iditarod - a dogsled race of over 1,100 miles across the frozen plains of Alaska that starts in Anchorage. He's no slouch either; he is the first Jamaican to ever finish the 1,000 mile Yukon Quest dogsled race, coming in 13th out of 29. Finishing in the top half is spectacular for Newton when most rookies don't even complete the race at all.

Marshall trained in Jamaica using a sled with wheels on the bottom and mutts borrowed from the Jamaica Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. Now, with sponsorship backing from (of all people) Jimmy Buffett and his Margaritaville restaurant chain, he's got a team of the best bred dogs in the business and has been training in Alaska with some of the best coaches in the world.

"I thought from the beginning it was just very cool what he was doing," Buffett said. "I thought it was so far out there, but it made people smile when they heard about it." Jimmy met Marshall when Marshall worked for a tour company owned by Buffet's friend. Jimmy immidiately toked some reefer and decided to become Newton's number one sponsor. Jimmy Buffet inexplicably leads probably the most relaxed, filthy-stinking-rich life of all time. Newton Marshall as a result gets to dogsled and have all the tequilla he can drink.

The Iditarod is a whole different game from a wheeled sled being pulled by stray dogs. It's dogsledding's world cup, a race over 1,100 miles and has over 70 mushers, all of whom are experienced professionals. And if you screw up there is no slow clap from onlooking fans out in the wilderness by yourself. Newton says he's worried about the cold because he got a bit of frostbite on his nose during the last race.

Read more here.

Whitehouse Loses Beer/Jersey Bet With Whatever House Canadians Are Ruled From

President Barack Obama and Whitehouse Press Secretary Robert Gibbs have lost a bet to their Canadian counterparts, Prime Minister Stephen Harper and Spokesman Dimitri Soudas. Obama is having a 24-pack of Molson Canadian to Harper's office while Gibbs has to run a press conference while wearing a bright red Canadian hockey jersey, complete with maple leaf.

Pretty funny stuff from our nations' collective leadership. It's good to see that they've retained a sense of humor in all that's going on athletically, economically, and politically. When asked about the beer delivery, Gibbs responded "We are working on the delivery." Had Obama won, Harper would have had to deliver 24 American beers to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Worse is the bed that Robert Gibbs made for himself. He first bet Soudas that the US women would beat the Canadian women; loser has to wear an opponents jersey to an off-camera press meeting. After losing, Gibbs stepped his game up and offered a double down on the US men to beat Canada. This time the loser would have to do an entire on-camera press conference in the opposing country's jersey. "I'll be getting him the jersey over the next couple of days," Soudas said Monday afternoon. Note: this is not what Gibbs will look like.

Killer Whale Hates Being Called 'Orca', Kills Trainer To Remind Everyone

The world is apparently shocked today by the news that a killer whale killed someone. Tillikum, a 30-year old Orca who has performed at SeaWorlds almost his whole life, gnashed someone to death... surprisingly? He's been "linked" to two other killings in 1991 and 1999 and implicated, but never charged in another attempted murder in 2006. After the last attack, Tillikum was moved to Seaworld Orlando and renamed from his original monicker, "USS Deathbringer" as this name spooked his trainers.

Tillikum is a 12,000 pound whale who has lived in a 35 foot deep tank pretty much his entire life. Even though the whale had killed twice before, Seaworld thought "ya know, what're the real chances of that happening again?!" You can simluate his existence at home by putting a toddler in a bathtub, feeding him nothing but corn and forcing him to stay there night and day. WARNING: Toddle may become upset and try to bite your fingers, pull you under during simulation.

The incident occurred about 2 p.m. Wednesday. Tillikum, had just finished a session with his trainer, who was standing by the side of his pool and leaning over the whale, rubbing his head. Onlookers at SeaWorld were allegedly shocked when the Killer whale reared up and grabbed trainer Dawn Brancheau, 40, pulling her into the tank and thrashing her to death. Those same onlookers were also shocked upon hearing that Steely Dan is not one person and that James Dean was an actor, not the guy who makes sausage. Witnesses said they heard the stadium organist playing the theme to Jaws just before the attack.

PETA, who have been campaigning for year to have people stop using the term 'Killer Whale' and instead call them Orca whales, when reached for comment said, "Oh, yeah, about that.... never mind." Other groups that were unable to be reached for comment include The League of People Who Keep Chimps as Pets and the Grizzly Bear for Petting Zoos Association

USA beats Canada in Ice Hockey; Canadians "Darn Ticked Off Aboot It You Betcha', Friend"

As the final seconds ticked off the clock at last night's USA v Canada hockey match, Canadians took to the streets of Vancouver to riot, Canuck-style. They raided Pizza Pizza's and Tim Hortons, tipping over stools, leaving crumpled napkins on tabletops, taking pennies from the "leave one, take one" bowls, and crossing the streets at non-crosswalk points. One fan angrily placed an empty coffee cup on the roof of a nearby car before storming away to rejoin the riot. Another poured out a Labatt Blue that was only half-drank and then placed the bottle in a non-recycling trash can. It was total chaos.

The Canadian psyche was dealt a massive blow as the USA beat Canada in Olympic competition for the first time in over 50 years. The 5-3 victory was iced on a last minute poke-in on Canada's empty net as the home team tried to get an equaliser with six skaters on the ice. It was the first time the two teams have met since the 2002 Olympics where Canada won 5-2. This US team however was almost completely new, with Brian Rafalski being the only real veteran from previous US national teams. Fresh-faced newbies fill out the US roster to a large extent.

It was a back-and-forth affair with the US going ahead first only to have Canada tie them up as they repeatedly exchanged goals. At 4-3 in the third period, it wasn't until 44 seconds left that the Americans were able to put the nail in the coffin with Ryan Kessler's empty netter. Tempers flared in the aftermath with team Canada's Dany Heatley telling Brian Rafalski, "Hey, I'm not your friend, guy!" to which Rafalski replied, "I'm not your guy, buddy!"

The US hockey team is the youngest at the 2010 games. They had worked to overhaul the team by replacing old standbys like Keith Tkachuk, Mike Modano, and Bill Guerin. Now rife with kids in their 20s, team USA looks poised to have a good route through to the medal podium. It was a fitting victory for a US team that had donned 1960 throwback jerseys to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the gold medal won at Squaw Valley. It was also the day before the 30th anniversary of the 1980 Miracle on Ice over the Russians.

No word on whether the local Tim Hortons and Pizza Pizza's will be able to open on time the day after the violent rioting. Extra staff will be brought in to upright stools, pick up trash, and guide old women across the street. Also no word on if Dany Heatly will ever again be my buddy, friend.

Since He's the Only Raider That Can Score, Al Davis Gives Janikowski 4-Year $16mil Deal

Proving that he's still completely senile, Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis has signed kicker Sebastian Janikowski to a 4-year, $16 million deal - $9 million of which is guaranteed money. Janikowski was a free agent following the 2009 season and was pretty much the only player on the Raiders who scored any points at all for the whole season. The new contract makes Janikowski the richest kicker ever in the NFL and makes Al Davis the oldest dumbass in the NFL.

That being said, Janikowski is coming off the best season of his career. He's spent ten years with Oakland, but notched his best marks in 2009. He made 26 of 29 field goals, including six kicks of at least 50 yards with a 61-yarder that was the fourth longest in NFL history. Janikowski also had 17 touchbacks on 58 kickoffs for the sixth-best mark in the league last season. I still don't see how $4mil a year is justified unless the Raiders' gameplan is going to continue to be, "have every offensive drive sputter out around the 50 yardline and then have Janikowski kick a 50+ yard field goal."

The only other plays in Tom Cable's Raider playbook are called "J Russell-10 razor-fumble right" and "J Russell-blue 42-interception left". So on second thought maybe keeping the long bomb kicker on the roster isn't such a bad idea. Janikowski was drafted in the first round of 2000 by the Raiders, but missed 10 kicks in his first season. He was the first specialist (K, P, etc) to be taken in the first round in over 20 years, proving Davis was already on his way to senility a decade ago. In his first three seasons, Sebastian only hit 76% of his kicks, but in 2008 became the Raiders' all-time leading scorer, proving just how much the Oakland Raiders really do suck on offense.