Killer Whale Hates Being Called 'Orca', Kills Trainer To Remind Everyone

The world is apparently shocked today by the news that a killer whale killed someone. Tillikum, a 30-year old Orca who has performed at SeaWorlds almost his whole life, gnashed someone to death... surprisingly? He's been "linked" to two other killings in 1991 and 1999 and implicated, but never charged in another attempted murder in 2006. After the last attack, Tillikum was moved to Seaworld Orlando and renamed from his original monicker, "USS Deathbringer" as this name spooked his trainers.

Tillikum is a 12,000 pound whale who has lived in a 35 foot deep tank pretty much his entire life. Even though the whale had killed twice before, Seaworld thought "ya know, what're the real chances of that happening again?!" You can simluate his existence at home by putting a toddler in a bathtub, feeding him nothing but corn and forcing him to stay there night and day. WARNING: Toddle may become upset and try to bite your fingers, pull you under during simulation.

The incident occurred about 2 p.m. Wednesday. Tillikum, had just finished a session with his trainer, who was standing by the side of his pool and leaning over the whale, rubbing his head. Onlookers at SeaWorld were allegedly shocked when the Killer whale reared up and grabbed trainer Dawn Brancheau, 40, pulling her into the tank and thrashing her to death. Those same onlookers were also shocked upon hearing that Steely Dan is not one person and that James Dean was an actor, not the guy who makes sausage. Witnesses said they heard the stadium organist playing the theme to Jaws just before the attack.

PETA, who have been campaigning for year to have people stop using the term 'Killer Whale' and instead call them Orca whales, when reached for comment said, "Oh, yeah, about that.... never mind." Other groups that were unable to be reached for comment include The League of People Who Keep Chimps as Pets and the Grizzly Bear for Petting Zoos Association

USA beats Canada in Ice Hockey; Canadians "Darn Ticked Off Aboot It You Betcha', Friend"

As the final seconds ticked off the clock at last night's USA v Canada hockey match, Canadians took to the streets of Vancouver to riot, Canuck-style. They raided Pizza Pizza's and Tim Hortons, tipping over stools, leaving crumpled napkins on tabletops, taking pennies from the "leave one, take one" bowls, and crossing the streets at non-crosswalk points. One fan angrily placed an empty coffee cup on the roof of a nearby car before storming away to rejoin the riot. Another poured out a Labatt Blue that was only half-drank and then placed the bottle in a non-recycling trash can. It was total chaos.

The Canadian psyche was dealt a massive blow as the USA beat Canada in Olympic competition for the first time in over 50 years. The 5-3 victory was iced on a last minute poke-in on Canada's empty net as the home team tried to get an equaliser with six skaters on the ice. It was the first time the two teams have met since the 2002 Olympics where Canada won 5-2. This US team however was almost completely new, with Brian Rafalski being the only real veteran from previous US national teams. Fresh-faced newbies fill out the US roster to a large extent.

It was a back-and-forth affair with the US going ahead first only to have Canada tie them up as they repeatedly exchanged goals. At 4-3 in the third period, it wasn't until 44 seconds left that the Americans were able to put the nail in the coffin with Ryan Kessler's empty netter. Tempers flared in the aftermath with team Canada's Dany Heatley telling Brian Rafalski, "Hey, I'm not your friend, guy!" to which Rafalski replied, "I'm not your guy, buddy!"

The US hockey team is the youngest at the 2010 games. They had worked to overhaul the team by replacing old standbys like Keith Tkachuk, Mike Modano, and Bill Guerin. Now rife with kids in their 20s, team USA looks poised to have a good route through to the medal podium. It was a fitting victory for a US team that had donned 1960 throwback jerseys to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the gold medal won at Squaw Valley. It was also the day before the 30th anniversary of the 1980 Miracle on Ice over the Russians.

No word on whether the local Tim Hortons and Pizza Pizza's will be able to open on time the day after the violent rioting. Extra staff will be brought in to upright stools, pick up trash, and guide old women across the street. Also no word on if Dany Heatly will ever again be my buddy, friend.

Since He's the Only Raider That Can Score, Al Davis Gives Janikowski 4-Year $16mil Deal

Proving that he's still completely senile, Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis has signed kicker Sebastian Janikowski to a 4-year, $16 million deal - $9 million of which is guaranteed money. Janikowski was a free agent following the 2009 season and was pretty much the only player on the Raiders who scored any points at all for the whole season. The new contract makes Janikowski the richest kicker ever in the NFL and makes Al Davis the oldest dumbass in the NFL.

That being said, Janikowski is coming off the best season of his career. He's spent ten years with Oakland, but notched his best marks in 2009. He made 26 of 29 field goals, including six kicks of at least 50 yards with a 61-yarder that was the fourth longest in NFL history. Janikowski also had 17 touchbacks on 58 kickoffs for the sixth-best mark in the league last season. I still don't see how $4mil a year is justified unless the Raiders' gameplan is going to continue to be, "have every offensive drive sputter out around the 50 yardline and then have Janikowski kick a 50+ yard field goal."

The only other plays in Tom Cable's Raider playbook are called "J Russell-10 razor-fumble right" and "J Russell-blue 42-interception left". So on second thought maybe keeping the long bomb kicker on the roster isn't such a bad idea. Janikowski was drafted in the first round of 2000 by the Raiders, but missed 10 kicks in his first season. He was the first specialist (K, P, etc) to be taken in the first round in over 20 years, proving Davis was already on his way to senility a decade ago. In his first three seasons, Sebastian only hit 76% of his kicks, but in 2008 became the Raiders' all-time leading scorer, proving just how much the Oakland Raiders really do suck on offense.

Megan Fox Assumes Her Birthright As Emporio Armani Underwear Spokesbabe

Megan Fox has usurped Victoria Beckham as the new Armani women's underwear spokesperson. I'm assuming that Emporio Armani chose her based upon her keen wit and stunning intellect (boobs). Fox was the obvious next choice as up-and-coming international sex symbol, and with Cristiano Ronaldo already taking the reins from David Beckham, Victoria was soon to exit anyway.

Fox will be on for 2010 at least as the Armani underwear and women's jeans model. She's only 23 so I see a bright future in women's underwear billboards for the next several years! Megan replaced Victoria Beckham after she was signed as the new face of Emporio Armani's Women’s Underwear for Spring/Summer 2010 last October. Speaking of his new spokesbabe, Giorgio Armani said, "Megan is young and sexy and has a lot of spirit. Both Emporio Armani Underwear and Armani Jeans are all about a youthful attitude, making her the perfect choice for the collections."

Translation: "Posh Spice is old and busted, that Megan Fox is so hot right now and I hear she's about to unveil her new look, 'blue steel'."

Billboards are sprouting up showing off Fox's bod around New York, London, and Paris as we speak. Megan's eight tattoos have all been digitally removed, for what reason I don't know... She's got some badass tattoos and that's the new youthful hotness right now, but I guess the Armani Photoshop squad was on a roll and just went ahead and touched up her ink while they were at it? Either way, she kinda makes you want to put on some women's underwear, doesn't she?

There Are Pants and Then There Are Norwegian Pants

These pants would be the latter... This is the the Norwegian olympic curling squad during their practice round a couple days ago in Vancouver , BC. I believe that the Vikings bought those pants directly from a John Daly yard sale just before they arrived in Canada. That can be the only explanation. Good thing those pants ARE AWESOME.

When asked about the pants, team captain Thomas Ulsrud said "My Second (in command) is a real flashy dresser and he is trying to convert the rest of the team. I guess we have to have a team meeting and see what happens.

"There are no rules against the pants, but there may be after this," said the aforementioned second-in-command Christoffer Svae. "The WCF is working on a dress code, but I do not think they have implemented it yet."

The WCF is the World Curling Federation and thankfully they must be bogged down in pantaloon red tape because now the world gets to enjoy those pants for two weeks as the Norse team struts them around the curling center in Vancouver. I only hope they make those pants available for purchase on the Norwegian Curling team website!

Superbowl Commercials Saved From Total Suck By Megan Fox in a Bathtub

Give Tiger Woods' Mistresses a Tap, Tap, Taperoo

This could be one of the most hilariously-in-bad-taste things I've ever seen: a twelve-pack of golf balls printed with the faces of Tiger's 12 mistresses. The slogan? "He likes to play a round with them... now you can too!" Notice the subtle cleverness of the a-round pun. They are being marketed by a Canadian company called Creative Classics. They offer two sets, one to actually play with and one for collectors, price at $44.95+S&H and up.

With your purchase you get Rachel the celeb slut, Cori the 31-year-old mom, Jaime the waitress, Holly the pornstar, Kalika the club promoter, Loredana the playmate, Jaime 2 the "escort", Mindy the Perkins waitress, Julie the Roxy club model, Theresa the old maid, and Cougar - the mysterious 12th woman whose details are just emerging.

Former porn star Joslyn James AKA Holly (whose real name is Veronica Siwik-Daniels) is none too pleased with her face being on the golf balls. She's retained lawyer-to-the-porn-stars, Gloria Allred to fight the sale of the fabulous golf ball sets. Siwik-Daniels claims she feels it is wrong for a golf ball to have her picture on it with implications of violence against women saying, "because golfers hit their golf bars with a lot of force."

Veronica, you're right, golf "bars" defintiely pack a lot of punch. Allred says, "We have pointed out that encouraging golfers to use clubs to hit a woman's face that is portrayed on a golf ball is a dangerous and reprehensible act because it encourages violence against women." I'm not sure I see the connection there Gloria, unless maybe you've got the course record round in your sites and on the 18th green your wife burps from the golfkart in mid-putt, causing your ball to rim out and trickle down into the nearby water-hazzard. Then maybe a little golf-barring is called for! (Just kidding)

Siwik-Daniels claims she was "in love" with Tiger during their one-year fling. She made public a text message Woods allegedly sent to her in October: "Baby, I'm not going anywhere or doing anything. You please me like no other has or ever will. I am not losing that ..." Sorry Tiger, but looks like your lost that, along with a ton of sponsors, possibly your wife and kids, and your stature. It's a sad day, but perhaps some novelty golf balls will cheer you up!

You can get your own get right here!

Images taken from tailofthetiger.com Copyright © 2010 Michael H. Caldwell and property of Creative Classics.

National Signing Day is Here and Alabama Fans Are Smart-Not

February 3rd is signing day for all the little high school seniors who have been offered scholarships to play football in the NCAA. It's a huge day for those kids and their parents - they will be signing letters of intent, binding them to attend and play football for the school that they choose for the next four or five years. It's also a big day for rabid college football fans who see the future of their teams in the recruiting classes that come in each February.

Fans following recruiting has become a big business with sites like Rivals and Scout covering recruiting almost exclusively - even ESPN has setup a bush-league recruiting news division to compete. But recruit ratings and stars are hardly a measure of how good the player will actually be a couple years down the road. And some fan bases might go just a bit too far in their love of their team.

Those fans are Alabama Crimson Tide fans. Alabama is good at football, very good, the school revolves around it and lives and dies by their success on the gridiron. That's all well and good except for that the whole book-learnin' thing goes by the wayside - as evidenced here.

This year, Alabama's athletic dept took signing day to a new level - they setup a live webcam stream of the fax machine in the football offices... the only purpose of which was to allow Alabamans a chance to sit and stare at a picture of an inert machine and then watch pieces of paper come out (recruits fax their letters of intent to their school). If this sounds awesome, then you are retarded and should be fired from the job at which you were staring at a picture of a fax machine. I can recreate this experience in living color at my office right here, in fact I can do it in three different rooms with different models of fax machine. I see no reason why anyone would spend time watching a video of a fax machine; it probably saves you about 5 seconds of time seeing a letter come in versus waiting for an intern to pull the piece of paper out and post the news online.

I believe the only logical next move for Alabama is to stream a video of paint drying after they paint a new A on the athletic department wall - and I'm sure the viewership would be high as Alabamans tuned in to see the action. Perhaps they will go with a spring football coverage webcam of the turf in their stadium so that people can watch that green, green grass grow. Oh boy...

Here is the link in case you're interested. I warn you, it's JUST A STUPID FAX MACHINE!!

Who Dat Think the NFL is Greedy?!

For those who missed this story, the NFL has recently come down on several Mom-and-Pop retailers in the New Orleans area who have been printing and selling 'Who Dat?' merchandise ahead of the Saints' appearance in this year's Superbowl. 'Who Dat?' has been a rallying cry for the New Orleans Saints since the early 1980s and now the NFL has peacocked-up to say that it owns the exclusive trademark rights to the phrase and that none may use it without licensing is from them for around one-hundred billion dollars, muahahahaha.

K, not that much, but still - you can imagine what the NFL is asking for the phrase and you can extrapolate that it's way more than a Mom-and-Pop tshirt shop is able to afford. The league has sent out cease and desist notices to New Orleans vendors threatening legal action against anyone who uses the term with the NFL's consent. Basically they are taking away a fan-base's phrase saying that if they want it back, they'll have to pay the NFL to have it one their shirt. As you can guess, Louisiana is not exactly pleased.

U.S. Sen. David Vitter of Louisiana stepped up to the plate yesterday and sent the following letter to National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell protesting the NFL's efforts to claim exclusive rights to the term "Who Dat."



Roger Goodell
CommissionerNational Football League
280 Park Avenue, 15th Floor
New York, NY 10017

Dear Commissioner Goodell:
I was stunned to learn recently that the NFL is taking the position that it owns the exclusive trademark of the term "Who Dat" and has even threatened legal action against some mom-and-pop merchants selling t-shirts using the term. I would urge you to drop this obnoxious and legally unsustainable position and instead agree that "Who Dat" is in the public domain, giving no one exclusive trademark rights.


This letter will also serve as formal legal notice that I am having t-shirts printed that say "WHO DAT say we can't print Who Dat!" for widespread sale in commerce. Please either drop your present ridiculous position or sue me.


"Who Dat" was probably first heard in New Orleans minstrel shows well over 130 years ago. Much more recently, but before it was used in connection with the Saints, it was used as a rallying cry by St. Augustine High School in New Orleans. In the 1980s it was adopted by Saints fans in a completely spontaneous way. Only later did any legal persons, including the Saints and the NFL, try to claim it through registration.


Perhaps more significant than this history, "Who Dat" has become part of New Orleans and Louisiana popular culture. For the NFL to try to claim exclusive ownership of it would be like me registering and trying to claim exclusive ownership of the terms "lagniappe" and "laissez les bons temps rouler!?


Under Paul Tagliabue's leadership, the NFL was an unbelievable partner in helping us recover and rebuild after Hurricane Katrina. Thank you again. We look forward to your dropping your "Who Dat" position so that this partnership can continue without strain or blemish.
Sincerely,

David Vitter
Junior Senator of Who Dat Nation



Suck on that Goodell. I'm pretty happy to see a senator step up like that for his constituents. He actually asks the NFL to sue him if they see fit - which I'm hoping jars the NFL into realizing that they've created a public relations shitstorm or the decade. Suing a US senator who is defending his state is probably not the right move for the league. I hope they come to the realization that they shouldn't be bullying into team markets and taking team's slogans for themsleves in the name of profit. Good on you, David Vitter, way to man up!

If a Pro Bowl is Played in Miami, Does it Make a Sound?

I'm fairly certain that about 100 people showed up to watch the NFL Pro Bowl this past Sunday. With powerhouse QB's like Vince Young, David Gerrard, and Matt Schaub leading the way, the "all-stars" were apparently shown on live TV and radio broadcasts nationwide. Sadly, nobody noticed.