Happy Birthday Chuck Norris, You're 70 and Can Destroy Anyone

Chuck Norris was born this day in 1940, making him way older than anybody thought he was. At 70 he will be able to exercise his right to early bird specials, priority seating on the bus, and social security. By that I mean he will be serviced by a flock of hand maidens each morning, he will take your seat on the bus by force, and he'll kick anyone's ass that messes with the USA - social security, bitch!

Chuck Norris is of course, the subject of a internet fad that cropped up in 2005 involving Chuck and incredible feats of strength and awesomeness. This could have been brought on by Conan O'Brien's introduction of the Walker Texas Ranger Lever on his show, Late Night. Conan would keep the lever by his desk and simply pull it to play a 5-second clip of WTR featuring Chuck Norris' amazing feats like shooting a man out of a helicopter with a snub-nosed pistol, destroying 6 bad guys single-handedly, or saving falling babies from burning buildings.

Norris served in the US Air Force before beginning his martial arts movie and television career. He has kicked ass on all continents, indiscriminantly and thoroughly. He starred with Bruce Lee in Way of the Dragon, also kicking lots of ass. He then went on to police all of Texas by himself and sweep Christie Brinkly off her feet with his Total Gym machine. So here's to you, Chuck Norris, happy 70th birthday. You still have the vitality of three twenty year olds, so keep on roudhouse kicking! And Now, some of my favorite Chuck Norris Jokes:

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris got his driver's license at age 16. Seconds.

Chuck Norris is a vegetarian... meaning he does not eat animals until he first puts them into a vegetative state with his fists.

Chuck Norris doesn't own a microwave or oven, because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.