Charlie Weis is Thinking Arby's

Reporter: So Charlie, now that you've lost the Notre Dame coaching job and gotten paid, what are you going to do?!

Charlie: I'm going to Disney, wait ,I mean I'm going to Arby's!

Notre Dame is firing head coach, Charlie Weis, after 5 years and with 6 left on his contract (meaning he got paid son!). After going to two straight BCS bowls in his first couple seasons with Brady Quinn, Weis went 16-21 in the next three seasons and managed to accrue a lower winning percentage than both Tyrone Willingham and Bob Davie, his predecessors. It's widely accepted that Weis's bowl appearances were largely the work of Willingham's recruiting and development of players. His .565 winning percentage is a result of his overall 35-27 record, and that is clearly not good enough for an independent school steeped in history.

Well times are a-changing and Charlie is a-leaving. Notre Dame isn't a national powerhouse and the only team on television nationally anymore. But they still want to win like they are. they still want preferential treatment for at-large bowl bids over undefeateds like Boise State or Texas Christian. They still want to be discussed as a national title contender each year instead of brought up mockingly as the guys who fell the furthest from glory. And because of that, the bell tolls for Charlie today.

Among the people considered possible candidates to replace Weis are Oklahoma coach Bob Stoops, Cincinnati coach Brian Kelly, TCU coach Gary Patterson and Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh. They all seem like decent choices, but I'm not sure any of those people would really be successful enough for the Fighting Irish. In my opinion they need an absolute firestarter to inject some cojones back into the team. I believe they should go an NFL direction similar to USC - someone like John Gruden or Bill Cowher (yes i know they want to stay in the talking-head game). Those two are angry, in-your-face, condense the nonsense type guys. They will accidentally spittle into your mouth as they lambast you for errors and lapses. But they do it the right way...and players listen to them. Get one of those guys in there, let me straighten things out and you'll be well on your way to winning more than you lose.

More on Weis here.

Madden Considering Comeback For Love Of the Favre

John Madden of Raiders, Announcer, and Video Game fame is considering a comeback because his "love of the Favre" is still so strong. Madden built a good chunk of his announcing career on the foundation of his undying man-crush on Brett Favre. "I thought Brett Favre was going to retire," said Madden, "With no Brett, BOOM, no Madden!" And so John tossed in the towel on his announcing career, parked the Madden Cruiser in his driveway, and threw on the car cover. "I just didn't want to continue without Brett in the league, he's my everything."

But then Brett pulled a Favre and unretired...twice. In 2008, Favre joined the New York Jets after then-coach, Eric Mangini, promised to name his first born son after the great Brett Favre. Then in 2009 after months of speculation and flip-flopping, Favre agreed to join Brad Childress and the Minnesota Vikings for a bit. So far this year, Favre is completing almost 70% of his passes and has only thrown 3 interceptions as opposed to his normal 85 per season. The Vikings at 10-1 and Favre has hucked 24 TD's. Yes, the world will end in 2012 because of Favre.

The Vikings have really come into stride with Favre at the helm. Adrian Peterson is as potent as ever and receivers like Sidney Rice and Visanthe Shiancoe are really coming into their own. On the flipside, the Vikings defense looks pretty damn good. Their defensive line alone is causing all kinds of trouble for opposing offenses. I like them to go all the way to the Super Bowl from the NFC, perhaps the only team who can keep up would be New Orleans.

With Favre looking like he's 25 again, Madden is considering stocking the cruiser up with Turduckens and Thunderbird Wine boxes and heading out on the road again. "I mean, if Favre can do it, I should be able to down some giblets and get back to my A game, BOOM!" exclaimed Madden before shotgunning a Pabst. He added, "If I could have an entire team of Favres, I would go to the superbowl every year. I just need to get in announcing shape, which means limbering up the ol' jowls, getting my booze tolerance up to a 30 rack a day, getting fit for a new tupee."

More on Favre Here.

Clausen Punched by Fan, Nobody Seems Upset

ESPN's Joe Schad is reporting that Fighting Irish QB, Jimmy Clausen, was punched outside a South Bend restaurant last night by a pissed off fan. Apparently, Jimmy was out to dinner with his parents and a female "accquaintance" (Schad's way of saying, 'dude, he's totally hittin that chick') which makes the situation even more awkward. Clausen gets decked on a regular basis and that's WITH five 300-pound meat popsicles trying to protect him, so imagine when the only defense he has are the 'rents and unnamed hot chick!

The Chicago Tribune said that the incident occured at CJ's Bar after the ND/UConn, the Irish's final home game of the season. Clausen was out with the folks afterward to celebrate senior day and his stellar mediocrity when he was "sucker punched" by a fan. Somehow I dont think they fan just walked up to him and went all Biff-in-the-cafeteria on him. Knowing the type of guy Jimmy is, I imagine some pompous arrogance being traded back and forth with the fan. Jimmy loves to run his mouth and act like an asshole - i.e. freshman hummer limo, Hawaii crowd taunting, etc. Actually I guess you don't "act like" and asshole if you are one, it's just who you are.

The good news is that the "injury" is not expected to keep Jimmy from playing. This could be bad news for fans of Notre Dame who want to win games. Clausen ego is expected to make a full recovery in time for the next Irish loss. Here is the ESPN story.

PETA Family Celebrates Thanksgiving by Starving Defiantly

Ardent supporters of PETA, the Cratchit's celebrate Thanksgiving by starving, they are thankful for no dishes to do at the end of the day; any dissenters in their ranks will be summarily caned.

Twilight New Moon Sets Opening Record, End of Time To Occur Sooner Than 2012, We're All Gonna Die

John Cusack better go back for some rewrites on his end-of-time thriller, 2012. Twilight: New Moon set an all-time record for an Autumn premier weekend, banking over $140.7 million dollars, meaning the apocalypse is at hand. New Moon ranks third for opening box office takes at any time of year behind The Dark Knight ($158.4 mil) and Spiderman 3 ($151.1 mil). The flick doubled up on the first Twilight, which turned in $69.6 million back in 2008, and set an opening day record of $72.7 million. Theatergoers were 80% females and were split evenly over-21 and under-21 years of age. This of course means that the audience was made up of teeny boppers, desperate housewives, and young adults still living in their parents' basement who don't own cars. So how might Twilight cause the end of civilization? Let me explain some theories.

1. No More Sex.

Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series is basically an overly-long parable for teenage abstinence. Except then, it's somewhat ironic that everyone in her film is tortured and tormented by temptation. Bella and Whatshisface must resist being together, Whatshisface's family must resist drinking human blood, and so on. All this is a veil for the theme of no sexy-time for teens - which is near fucking impossible to resist in our day and age. If all the women who see this film suddenly practice abstinence, human numbers will plummet as girls wait for marriage before sex (since Public Service Announcements and High School Health class taught me that 90% of us were unplanned teenage pregnancies out of wedlock). All of a sudden the Idiocracy effect will take place as inteligent girls put off sex and marriage for college, post-graduate work, and careers and along the way, run out of biological time to reproduce. Meanwhile, backwater hillbillys will continue to produce babies about as smart as bags of hammers at alarming rates, who will eventually outnumber normal people and rule the planet, thereby causing our downfall through stupidity. Which makes sense because, well, Twilight is really stupid.

2. Too much sex.

Stephenie Meyers spells her name with three E's and is Mormon; therefore (once getting married, of course) she is bound by ancient Mormon decree to have double-digits babies if possible. Actually, I guess they don't HAVE to, but all that abstinence backs up the pipes, I tell ya what! "Becoming a vampire" is Meyers' thinly-veiled replacement for "sex", and eventually shit's bound to go down. I did some wikipedying and found out that Bella eventually marries Whatshisface, SHOCK! I also found out that she gets knocked up...SO knocked up that is cuts their honeymoon celebration short...hmmmm. I don't know how quickly Vampire babies gestate, but we could have a Palin-Johnstone situation on our hands. The only way Whatshisface can save Bella is to turn her into a vampire so her body can handle vampire half-breed babies. Anyway, my point is, temptation leads to a hurried marriage and pregnancy, which runs fairly closely to Mormon-type operations. We could see an explosion of early marriage and nonstop baby-makin', leading to over-population of our planet, exhaustion of our world's resources, and collapse of Mother Nature's ability to sustain our existence. So in effect, we kill ourselves, which is what I would've done had I been forced to see Twilight on opening night.

3. Backlash war

A couple different scenarios could play out here. Vampire-on-Werewolf violence or Normal people-on-Twilight nerd violence. In the first variation, we will see the rise of violence between teeny boppers (and their moms) who wear Team Jacob or Team Edward underwear. Spurred by American consumerism, the two teams will clash in ever-escalating confrontations over whose underwear will rein supreme. The violence will spill out of movie theaters and into the streets of suburbia. Disgusted by these nerds, normal people will pack up and move to France. In the second variation, people who just want to live life without Twilight nerds all up in their faces will eventually lash back against the stiffling idiocy. Twilight fans will dress up like vampires and werewolves, giving them absolutely no powers or advantages in the fight to defend their beloved film franchise. They will get absolutely pummeled simply because they are 80% female and are hampered by their silly costumes. When the war is over, normal people will realize that we just killed off almost all women, unable to reproduce, humanity will go all Children-Of-Men on us.

World Cup 2010 Teams Have Been Chosen

African Qualifying Nations: Algeria, Cote d'Ivoire, Nigeria, Cameroon, Ghana, South Africa

Asian Qualifying Nations: Australia, Korea DPR, Korea Republic, Japan

Oceanic Qualifying Nations: New Zealand

European Qualifying Nations: Denmark, France, Greece, Netherlands, Serbia, Slovenia, Switzerland, England, Germany, Italy, Portugal, Slovakia, Spain

North/Central Americas Qualifying Nations: Honduras, United States, Mexico

South American Qualifying Nations: Argentina, Chile, Uruguay, Brazil, Paraguay

I'm totally stoked for the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. Soccer, Futbol, Football, whatever you'd like to call it, is truly the world's sport. And the World Cup is pretty much the only single sport tournament that truly names a world champion. The "World Series" is less of an international competition for baseball than it's little league counterpart is. The Superbowl crowns a "world champion" for American football, but let's face it, NFL is less international than even MLB, NHL, or the NBA who include Canadian teams. At least NHL and NBA aren't so presumptuous as to crown world champions with the Stanley Cup or Larry O'Brien trohpies. They know there are teams in Russia or Greece who could probably stack up to some teams in our leagues in the US.

The World Cup is truly the biggest international, single-sport event. In terms of national fervor and passion, it might even rival the Olympics. Teams from around the world compete through qualifying stages for years just to make it into the 32-team field. Those 32 teams enter group stages, then elimination rounds in a tournament style to attain the FIFA World Cup trophy. This is the first time that the Cup will be contested on African soil, in cities around South Africa.
Every continent is represented at the World Cup as follows: Africa has 53 teams competing for five spots. Asia has 43 teams competing for four spots and sharing a fifth with a potential Oceania entrant (i.e. New Zealand). Europe has 53 teams fighting for 13 places in the tourney. North and Central America, combined with Carribean nations, get three spots and split a 4th with South America who gets four of their own. And is tradition, the host country gets an automatic slot in the tournament.

I truly believe the World Cup is a sporting event that one needs to experience before he or she dies. It's definitely on my bucket list and it being in the US doesn't count. I want to go some place far away like Brazil or South Africa and just LIVE football for a couple weeks. I the the experience would be unforgetable, even if us Americans don't really know what we're doing around the pitch.

Tila Tequila Files Suit Against Merriman, Calls Him Doodyhead

Reality "star", Tila Tequila has filed suit against linebacker, Shawne Merriman over an alleged assault that took place back in September. Tequila says she was attempting to leave Merriman's house when the San Diego Charger grabbed her by the throat and threw a bitch to the ground. Merriman was arrested, then released when a judge told Tila, "yo ass must be crazy!" Now Tila is back for blood, seeking damages for assault, battery, false imprisonment and emotional distress. So who you got winning this matchup?

Tile Tequila :Name: Shawne Merriman

4'11", 95 lbs. :Size: 6'4", 265 lbs

Loves vaginas and penises equally :Famous For: San Diego Chargers linebacker

Vietnam :From: South-Central

Alcohol, Twitter :Known Weaknesses: Asian bitches

Being naked, annoying :Strengths: Destroying Denver Broncos

Breasts :Source of Power: Faux-hawk

Filibuster :Finishing Move: Choke slam

TMZ :Known Enemies: AFC West

Hummer limo hot tub :Last Known Location: medical marajuana shop

More on the lawsuit here.

Denver Fan Eats Hat as Redskins Drop W-Bomb on Broncos

It's hard to believe that 27 points is the high water mark for Redskins scoring this year. It's also hard to believe that the Broncos, who started off so promisingly at 6-0 have now dropped their last three games and look this abysmal. It is, however, extremely easy to laugh at Denver fans as they quibble and blow up with one another as if this wasn't predictable. Hey, it could be worse, you could've hired Eric Mangini as your head coach, right? The perpetually underperforming Redskins mustered their highest point total of the year against a defense that supposedly turned a page in Denver this offseason. All I can say is, Hail to the Redskins.

I'm not convinced that Denver's problems stem from any one person, i.e. McDaniels or Orton. The Broncos start every year hot - they do, go back and look up the records. Then every other team catches up to them. Why? Becuase the Donkeys do little to no adapting as the season goes on - every other team gets to study their film and then stop they Broncos cold. Denver doesn't seem to be able to add new packages, change up their offense or disguise the defense once they are 6-8 weeks into any give year. The fans love Mcdaniels then hate him, love Orton then call for Simms, throw Simms under the bus then start blaming McDaniels all over again. It's a vicious cycle of self-deprication and Denverites are all on a different part of that cycle, fighting with those on the other two steps, hilarity.

Now, my Redskins on the other hand, just kinda suck. But I know that and pretty much expect it with Jason Campbell making the decisions - with the ball in his hands, that won't change much. Having lost to Detroit this year and being pretty much a laughing stock for much of the season, it's refreshing to watch Denverites blow their domes over this game.

The Skins pulled a trick play fake field goal that resulted in a 35-yard touchdown pass towards the end of the first half. Actually, they screwed it up and advertised their play beforehand to the Denver defense. Then, Denver proceeded to still let the fake go on as planned, complete with the kicker throwing back across his body to the fullback, Sellars who tied it up at 14. Then in the second half, Washington proceeded to pretty much run at will on the Denver D. Ladell Betts amassed 114 yards in replacement duty for an injured Clinton Portis. To make matters worse in Denver, Orton left with a severly twisted ankle leaving Chris Simms to handle the offense. He went 3-13 for 13 yards and a pick, garnering him a glorious 7.5 QB passer rating. I have a feeling things are going to be...rocky the rest of the way for Denver - ahahaha, I crack myself up.

Eric Mangini Vows to Take Browns to the SuperBowl

Cleveland Browns head coach, Eric Mangini announced to the media today that he intends to take the Browns to the SuperBowl, shocking the AP who were gathered for the press conference. Mangini insisted that he has been putting in late hours and lots of effort to ensure that when he delivers the Browns to the SuperBowl they make a big splash. "I have every intention of taking the Browns to the SuperBowl, starting right after this press conference" declared Mangini.


When asked about his overtime efforts, Mangini told reporters that he and his staff have been meeting nightly at PF Chang's after practice. "We all come to PF Chang's and make sure we leave no leaf unturned, then when PF Chang's closes, we adjourn to the Waffle House." The Waffle House allows Mangini and his staff to continue their meetings into the early morning hours, as it is open 24/7.


Mangini said that if he's successful in taking the Browns to the SuperBowl the first time around, he'll try for two in a row. "If the Superbowl can handle my Browns the first time around, there is no reason why I shouldn't try for a repeat." For more on this story, read here.

The SuperBowl

Douchebags Release Public Service Announcement, Show Solidarity

Did you know there are over 1 million douchebags in America? That's what this new PSA tells us, it also tells us that they are tired of being mocked and mistreated. They've had it with people making fun of their frosted tips, multi-colored-pop-collared shirts, over-use of words like fuck and bro, and their public fondling of women. They are bonding together to let America know that they're not going to take it any longer. Douchebags even want us to know that the word 'Douche' is actually a good thing, a cleansing thing!

Yankees Win MLB's Championship Series, Manchester United Fans Everywhere Rejoice!

See, I don't really hate the Yankees, I honestly care too little to feel one way or another about them. I can't be bothered to actively hate, let alone watch their games. I grew up in a baseball-less town - Washington DC - and I adopted the Rockies when I moved to Colorado basically for my own convenience. If people around me were fans, I'd absorb enough information via osmosis to go to a handful of games a year and not be leaning over to ask, "Who's this Tulozoswitz guy?" I'm not upset with the Yankees's payroll - hey it's MLB's rules, and they play by them. If the Monford's of Denver spent the way Steinbrenner does, nobody in Colorado would be up in arms. Baseball doesn't have a salary cap, so until that changes, don't blame an owner who wants to win. And until they do, the Rockies will be a farm team for the big guys - bye bye Tulo, Mauer, Holiday, thanks for the good times!

No, I'm gunning for you Yankee fans with little discernable connection to the team. I'm hunting down you Manchester United fans who don't know what offsides is, but really like David Beckham's underwear ads that are all over LA. I'm calling out you non-Catholic Notre Dame fans whose closest connection to God is a point to the sky and a wave at Touch Down Jesus. I'm coming after you NZ All Blacks fans who can't pronounce Maori and whose only link to New Zealand is Flight of the Conchords on HBO. You're from California, Florida, Connecticut, or Texas; your dad lived in New York for a couple years or you went to Radio City Music Hall for spring break... and now you are a diehard Yankees fan. You are the Kevin Bacon of Yankees six degrees of separation and you must repeatedly rationalize your fanhood to your skeptics. You know who you are too - you're the ones getting angry right about now while the real fan with no explaining to do reads on calmly.

Teams with notoriously high payrolls have an inordinate number of these cling-on fans, simply because of the team's high profile. Americans root for Manchester United because they are the most famous team in the world. The Blackburn Rovers have no money-no success compared to Man U, which is why nobody in the US supports them. If I asked the average Denverite for three Premier League teams, they'd probably go with Man U, Liverpool, and Chelsea. Why? Because they spend like Steinbrenner... and win like the Yankees. Consequently, no Brit, when asked to name three MLB teams would stray far from Yankees, Red Sox, Dodgers.

What irks me is that you cling so desperately and vehemently to "your team", getting angry and defensive when someone trash talks them. It's like they are a pacifier and the multitude of other "fans" are your security blanket, you hope others will come to your aid. Your first response is to put down the team of whoever is coming after you - yeah, my team sucks, but I still love them - you're trying to change the subject. Then you sip that rage-ahol, "don't talk shit about my team! Screw you! aahhHHHhh!" You get defensive and angry. Then you try to rationalize it, "you see my mom's family lives in upstate New York and we visit for Thanksgiving a lot." Yeah? Well fuck them, they are probably Mets fans anyway, oh, and say hello to your mother for me. The next step is Dismissiveness, using your female-impersonating-a-dumb-male-caveman-voice, "yeah, well, I dont even care, so ungh." This is you realizing that nothing you say can convince me that you're a true fan, you have no other real answer outside of physical violence.

Real connections, you get a pass in my book. Your Dad actively watches all the Cubs games as you were growing up? Understood, it's osmosis. Your town/state doesn't have a team? You get to root for the next closest team - as long as you don't actively skip over some for no good reason until you arrive at a dominant team. If you're from Connecticut and refused to watch the Patriots because they sucked circa 1990s, you don't get to skip over the Giants, Jets, and Eagles to arrive in central Pennsylvania and root for the Steelers. Your team moved cities or arrived in your current city after you had settled on a different team? Pass. But if you went to a game at the USC Coliseum once while visiting your Aunt and you really like their colors, try again buddy.

If you got angry reading this because you felt like it was a personal attack on you, then it probably was a personal attack on you ('cept Russ, he know's im kidding). You probably got angry because you're the "I have to explain why I get to be a fan" guy. Maybe you should honestly think about why you like the team - let me give you a hint, it's not simply because you have a couple uncles that live there, it's a lot less personal and much more superficial than that. It's probably more that they win a lot and you like their color scheme, plus there was an extra seat on the bandwagon so you hopped on board - you love trying to be part of a winning tradition, don't you?

So to all New Yorkers, today I congratulate you. Good job on bringing it all together. To those New Yorkers extended family, congrats also. And to other Yankees "fans", gggoooooooo Manchester United!!! Let's win the treble!!

These Ain't your Dad's 'Aints!

The New Orleans Saints managed to stay undefeated at home against the Atlanta Falcons on Monday Night Football. At 7-0 they are one of two undefeated teams left in the NFL (the Colts are the other). My Dad started rooting for New Orleans when he moved there in 1982 and the team was known as the "Aints". They were bad, really bad. But now, they have the easiest remaining schedule of any team in the NFL according to ESPN. And because ESPN likes to drum up stories, they are playing the undefeated season angle on the Saints. Their remaining games are as follows:

Sunday, Nov 8 - Carolina

Sunday, Nov 15 - @ St. Louis

Sunday, Nov 22 - @ Tampa Bay

Monday, Nov 30 - New England

Sunday, Dec 6 - @ Washington

Sunday, Dec 13 - @ Atlanta

Saturday, Dec 19 - Dallas

Sunday, Dec 27 - Tampa Bay

Sunday, Jan 3 - @ Carolina

Brees is doing his best Peyton imitation as he tears up opposing secondaries and consistently makes great throws downfield. That, combined with the Stay-Puff schedule, means that Saints have a pretty legit shot to go undefeated this year. With the majority of their schedule being comprised of the NFC south powder puff teams, the Saints will be the odds on favorite in every game from here on out.

Despite this, I believe the Saints are going to have a nasty faceplant of a fall soon. The most likely games for them to lose would be against New England in the Superdome or in Atlanta against the Falcons. I think those games are too hard for the Saints to overlook - more likely New Orleans will be looking ahead just a bit and fall right on their asses against a hapless team like Washington or Tampa Bay. I have a feeling that some embarassing Lions-esque loss will happen to the Saints and ruin their perfect season. I know that's just the pesemist in me, but that's how I see it going down! ...Or who knows, maybe they will be the first undefeated team in the past couple decades.

Stephen Colbert Will Sponsor US Speedskating at Vancouver Olympics

Stephen Colbert, mock right-wing talk show host, loves America. He loves it so much that he's throwing his name behind the until recently sponsorless US Olympic Speedskating team. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! US Speedskating's previous sponsor, Dutch DSB Bank NV, went bankrupt in October and left the team without a major sponsor with the Olympics closing in. Fortunately, Stephen stepped up and signed a rather unique deal with the team. The show isn't paying the team any money directly. Instead, Colbert is calling on his fans to donate to the team via http://www.colbertnation.com and http://www.usspeedskating.org/.

This means the main sponsor will be emblazoned on the team uniforms as "Colbert Nation", no just The Report or Stephen Colbert himself. The games begin in February, which means that the Nation will have to step up and raise at least the $300,000 that DSB Bank would have donated. "We're highly optimistic that the country is going to get behind this and get behind the Colbert Nation and support this amazing team," U.S. Speedskating executive director Robert Crowley said. "I don't have any idea if it's going to make $5 or $500,000."

"On their enormous, billboard thighs, it will say, 'Colbert Nation,'" Colbert said in an interview before Monday evening's taping. "Be looking for that logo as it comes around the final turn. It will be easy to see because it will be in first place." Apparently the speedskaters themselves are embracing the new sponsor as Apolo Anton Ohno said that he loves Comedy Central and the Report. Ohno said he's even do a sketch with Colbert if asked and said he was excited to see how creatives the Colbert Report gets in its promotion of US Speedskating.

Colbert is also considering taking his show on the road to broadcast from Vancouver during the games now that he has a vested interest. Stephen did mention the drawbacks that he is facing as the sponsor of the team: "It still tragically involves a lot of Canadians," the comedian said. "It's kind of unseemly how many Canadians I'm going to have to be dealing with." The name "Colbert Nation" will be emblazoned on the team's uniforms and I'm sure we'll see a lot of them on the Colbert Report in the weeks to come!

Call of Duty Modern Warfare Ad Is Awesome, Has No Game Footage

This new TV spot for Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 was just released and I think it's hilarious. It's a reflection of exactly the dialogue that goes on between two friends who have just bought the game. The extended spot has virtually no game footage other than what you can see over the second guy's shoulder on his TV. It's pretty cool considering that lack of in-game shots. It does just as good of a job selling me on the game as a in-game, explosion-packed rocket-fest would have.

This is basically what happens between my roommates and I - except I guess we're even more pathetic since we're in the same house speaking on Xbox live headsets to one another... The spot does jump the shark a little at the end, but I was laughing enough already so I'm still entertained.