Mike Leach Thinks Your Fat Little Girlfriend Blew the Game

Mike Leach, head coach at Texas Tech University has only himself to blame for the Red Raiders' loss to rival Texas A&M. Nobody but himself... oh, and his players' fat little girlfriends. Texas Tech's high-powered passing attack sputtered and the Raiders' defense looked like a wet paper towel against the Aggies. A&M moved the ball at will and seemed to have every answer to the spread attack that Leach puts on the field. The Red Raiders were basically shut down and then kicked while on the ground.

And it's all because of those fat little girlfriends! Mike Leach went on a subdued rant about how his players' fat little girlfriend seek only to undermine and subvert all the hard work that he and his coaching staff do each week. Those little gold-diggers are whispering sweet nothings into his linebackers' ears while they tell them how awesome the player is and how easy the game is for the Raiders. Bitches! How dare those minxy little coed foxes hit on his football players?! How dare they perform gratuitous sexual favors for his defense when the D should be studying the playbook?!?! How can they distract the offense from their hot-route reads with their hot asses?!?!?!

Well, I've got news for you, Mike Leach - this is ain't intermurals! It's division 1 football! ...In Texas no less! Sluts abound and the dude abides. Texas footballers go through girls like you go through McDoubles, Mike! It's just the culture down there. I'm sorry your 18-22 year old jocks are knee-deep in babes, but what guy of that age would turn that down? It's a safe bet that your boys are bombarded with breasts daily, even the most resolute virgin would struggle against those odds. You lost, tough, maybe next time you should integrate boobs into your gameplan to hammer things home for your team!

CU Fans Rush Field After Offense Scores TD on Scout Team

Windows 7 Inspires Japanese Burger Shenanigans

Japanese people love technology, that's no secret, but they also love their hamburgers. With the launch of Microsoft's Windows 7, the Japanese franchises of Burger King are rolling out a sweet promotion to go with it. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the magnificant, gigantic, preposterous, gut-busting, Seven-Patty Whopper.

A creation such as this can only be the work of the most divine and simultaneously diabolical mind. At the same time, I want one yet want to stay as far away as I can. I'm so conflicted! It's seven patties of delectable beef topped with lettuce, tomato, pickles, onions, and a seasame seed bun. It's only available in Japan and only for 7 days after the launch of Windows 7. Fittingly, it will cost 777 Yen, which equates to about $8.50. That price will only be for the first 30 customers to order it, however, after which the price goes up to 1450 Yen or $17. Still seems reasonable to me somehow...

I'm not sure if there is a better celebration of Windows 7 than a sandwich whose only mission is to destroy you from the inside. I just hope the Whopper doesn't have as many viruses as Windows 7 is sure to have! I'm thinking the loading time for Windows 7 will be approximately the same as it would take a human to load 7 beef patties into their gullet, so maybe the two make the perfect pair after all.

StubHub Offers Playoff Tix...To Teams That Didn't Make The Playoffs

StubHub either made a glaring error in their latest email newsletter blasts or are sarcastically sticking it to Mets and Cubs fans that their teams didn't make the playoffs. As if those fans don't have it bad enough, trying to support their perenially underachieving teams! Stubhub exclaimed via newsletter that they had great seats for all the Mets playoff games in an email sent on Monday:

“Be there alongside your New York Mets as they chase baseball immortality,” the e-mail said. “Go to StubHub, where you’ll find a fantastic selection of tickets to every playoff game—so you experience the championship chase live and in person.”

The only problem was the Mets haven't been in playoff contention since July and finished the 2009 season at 70-92. Any savy Mets fan who received this errant message would have been driven only further into baseball depression.

“This was due to an e-mail glitch,” spokeswoman Joellen Ferrer said in a statement. “We regret the error and apologize for any inconvenience or confusion this may have caused. Follow-up e-mails will be sent to every person that received the e-mail, notifying them of the error on our part." Ferrer said emails similar to that received by Mets fans were sent to the Cubs and a couple other non-playoff teams.

I would make some kind of joke here, but the Cubs and Mets are enough of a punchline by themselves.

Need a Gift For Your Man? No More Wimpy Candles, Get Him a MANDLE!

Candles - they're the go to gift for that girl you don't really know or like very much. It conveys the message that I am obligated to get you something, but fuck if I know what the hell you like. Plus you smell kinda weird, so here's a candle. Girls trade candles around like it's their job; it's like a constant re-gifting cycle where that same Shae Butter Yankee you gave to Sally for Christmas in 2006 somehow made it to your baby shower in August via Margot...weird.

Candles have never really been a guy gift though - the goto nondescript gift has always been the tie or socks. Or if Dad is really lucky, you'll get him a tie, socks, AND speedstick this year! But the tie reins supreme no longer. Now you can buy him a MANDLE, a manly candle that oozes "1% wax and 99% testosterone!" Imagine how much he'll enjoy stocking the man cave up with scents like A1 Steak Sauce, Top Gun, or New Baseball Glove! As the advertisement says, "it's time to say goodbye to Golden Spiced Pear and Seaside Holiday and say hello to Urinal Deordorizer, Bait Shop, and Red Meat." Apparently these Mandles are German-engineered by certified professors of Manology, so you know they are authentic.

The video was a spoof done by a company to promote their TV service - and was quite well done in my opinion. But now a real company, http://www.mandleco.com/default.asp has popped up and it's no joke. So seriously, if you want to get a Mandle, you can! Too bad the real-life company doesn't offer Chuck Norris Sweat or my personal favorite, FEAR. They do offer Clay-dough and Sex on a Beach (not sure if it smells like the drink or actual sandy drunken mistake sex...)

NFL Makes it Illegal to Touch QBs

For the past few years, the NFL has been agressively revising the rules when it comes to hitting the QB. New rules have been installed yearly to prevent serious injuries to the signal-callers around the league, each year more stringent than the last. This season, for example, when a pass-rusher reaches the QB, he must stop, stand up straight and tap the QB on the shoulder then politely ask him to lay down - ask impolitely? that'll cost you 15 yards.

In the most recent seasons the NFL has outlawed hitting the QB anywhere on the head, no matter how lightly, disallowed any hits below the waist to prevent knee injuries, and forbidden "vicious" tackles or "throwing the QB to the ground", among other things. In the 2010 season, the NFL just annouced that Quarterbacks will wear a set of flags, two in the front and two in the back, hanging from waist level. In order for the QB to be considered "down", the defense must succesfully grab and detach one or the QB flags.

This novel idea for the use of QB flags was thought up by Chad Pennington who was tired of being unathletic, and therefore sacked a lot. Chad started at QB for the Jets and recently the Dolphins, but has a tendancy to get injured every other season and knew there must be some better way. "If I could not get hit, that'd be great. I could play a much longer time and even complete a full season. That is unless I trip over myself or something..."

USA Soccer Shows Some Cojones

...And by cojones, I mean they showed courage instead of folding like a cheap lawn chair. Down 2-0 and looking somewhat flat in the first third of the match against Costa Rica, the US had to pull it together to make a comeback. Playing from behind as the home team in RFK stadium outside Washington DC, the US rallied to pull out a last gasp 2-2 draw with the "Ticos" to salvage the game. Though they had already sealed a spot in the 2010 World Cup, the outcome would affect seeding and grouping at the World Cup and future cups.

By 23 minutes in, the US defense had conceded two easy goals by Costa Rica's Bryan Ruiz. The defense let him run in on goal both times for uncontested goals three minutes apart. Without striker, Charlie Davies, who had been critically injured in a car accident several night before, the US attack created chances but didn't have the finishing touch. Davies underwent 5 hours of surgery before the game as is expected to be out 6-12 months with rehab, though it is expected he will be able to play again. The US attacked but produced ridiculously poor shots at the end of their advances.

Things looked grim and yours truly thought they'd simply throw in the towel and coast into the World Cup. But they proved that notion wrong, coming out strong in the second half, dominating the game and putting cross after cross into the area. The Ticos repeatedly turned us away, but in the 71st minute, Michael Bradley was able to mop up a rebound scrap off a Landon Donovan blocked shot. All of a sudden there was some hope - but then Oguchi Onyewu, USA's best defender went down after tearing his patella tendon. The US had used all three substitutions at this point of the match and so would be playing with only 10 men the rest of the way.

Costa Rica tried as hard as they could to delay and waste time in the game. Several of their coaching staff, including the head coach, were sent to the locker rooms for delaying and arguing tactics. The Mexican referree announced 5 minutes of stoppage time to be added to the game and in the 94th minute, Carlos Bocanegra streaked into the box on a US corner kick and put a header into the lower corner of the net, securing a draw. It was a great game that for the first time, showed the US had some perserverance in them. I'm proud of the guys and defintely look forward to the World Cup next summer!

Captain Morgan Hates Sausage Fests

Most people hate sausage fests. I hate sausage fests, my roommates, my friends, they all hate sausage fests. If you don't know what a sausage fest is, you're too old to drink Captain Morgan's and probably enjoy much more sophisticated liquors. Sausage fests suck to arrive at because, well all the sausage. Sausage fest is a thinly veiled frat-boy term for a party with way too many dudes at it. Captain Morgan just launched this new ad that shows the boys showing up at a literal sausage fest, much to their dismay.

As they walk in the door the guys are pelted with a couple brats and realize that they've stumbled upon a celebration of sausage at a bar that one of them heard "was crazy." The patrons are happily grinding meat into sausage casings and enjoying bratwursts, kielbasa, hot dogs and more. They quickly head to another party, but not before one of them order 5 lbs of 'basa for the gril!

If You Have an iPhone, Get Amped Before You Score

Pepsi has launched this new iPhone app to promote its Amp energy brand. 'Get Amped Before You Score' helps you get familiar with 24 types of ladies so you can woo them like you're Rico Suave and hopefully score. It is hilarious and stereotypically accurate for many female demographics! So if you a) have an iPhone, b) are awesome, and c) are crushing on that girl next door, download this app immediately!

You will get great pickups lines for women such as The Bookworm, The Cougar, The Goth, Rocker chick, Rebound girl, The Princesses, and Sorority Girl... "Can I tappa your gamma?" It provides helpful tools for each type like listings of local punk clubs and skate shops for that punk rock hottie, Greek letter translators so you can identify sorority chick's t-shirt, and "Hail Mary" lines for Out-Of-Your-League Girl... "You look like you know where one could get a good steak in this town." You can even find local wine bars for The Cougar.

All the typical women's groups are up in arms because they were tragically born without a sense of humor. You're being sexist and unfair to women rabble rabble rabble! Feminists are probably the most upset, but fear not, there is a "Women's Studies Major" in the app so you can soothe her with your newfound knowledge of women's movements and support of gender activism. Check out the ad for the app below. I appluad Pepsi co for so boldly going non-PC in support of Amp. But then again, Amp is targeting the non-PC kids anyway, so good strategy Cotton!

Kristen Stewart Is All Up In My Face

Kristen Stewart is definitely the jeans and t-shirt, girl-next-door type who is cute beyond belief. The only problem is she's in that silly Twilight movies series and therefore is all up in my grill when I'm trying to watch TV, go to the movies, buy groceries, read the paper, or knock back a slurpee. Kristen was great in Adventureland and definitely exudes the "I'm so smart I don't need to speak" aura, which is sexy and great. Only problem she's too cool and hip to be the leading lady in this 1 and a half hour Hollister commercial! Twilight is basically the cutting edge of douchey Abercrombie-wearing vampire movies.

I think Twilight started as a book series - I assume it was a pop-up/scratch-and-sniff book written primarily for 4th graders, though admittedly, my background research for this rant was minimal. The movie makes it more accessible to all the fans who couldn't read the words and just had to effectively follow along with the shiny pictures. How it blew up into this phenomenon is beyond me though - I guess I underestimated far-reaching social impact Hot Topic... Now with Stewart playing "Bella", I can barely peruse the tabloid mags in the checkout line without seeing Kristen and her twilight cronies. This November alone she'll be covergirl in Allure and Interview Magazine. Her cuteness and laissez-faire attitude definitely warrant the coverage, but this is for all the wrong reasons!

I guess what I'm trying to say, Kristen, is I need some space. I've been seeing too much of your lately and it's wearing on me. I think we both need to take a step back and rethink things. Whether you like it or not, you're Bella from Twilight for many years to come. You'll be on teenage girls' binders and trapper keepers for the next decade. You have obligations and responsibilities and so do I and we're just clashing right now. It's unhealthy. Plus you're always with that pale guy with the awkward forehead. So let's slow it down and just go with the flow, ok? PS, you're hot.

Before the Colorado Avalanche, A Long Time Ago in a Country Far, Far Away...

Episode IV, A NEW HOPE

It is a period of NHL unrest. The Quebec Nordiques, striking from a hidden base deep in Canada, have lost their first battle against the evil NHL Galactic Empire. During the battle, NHL agents managed to steal secret plans to the Nordique’s ultimate weapon, a new "Colisee", an arena with enough power to destroy an entire planet. Pursued by the NHL’s sinister agents, Nordique's owner, Marcel Aubut, races home aboard his Winnebago, custodian of the Nordiques only hope that can save his people and restore freedom to the galaxy….

As it turns out, Marcel Aubut failed at his mission. The Nordiques didn't get their new arena and ended up being sold to new owners who moved the franchise to Colorado and renamed them the Avalanche. Quebec has been without an NHL team since that 1995 move that left the hockey-crazy city crushed. The Nordiques played from 1972 til '95 in Quebec, starting off as members of the World Hockey Association before joining the NHL. Now Marcel Aubut is staging a bold and daring comeback for the French-Canadians of Quebec.

This past weekend, Aubut met with NHL Commissioner and certified 'tard, Gary Bettman in New York City. Along with Aubut was the Mayor of Quebec, Regis Labeaume (who's name translated, I believe is "Regis The Bomb", which would be undeniably awesome). They met to discuss the possibilities of constructing a new arena to house a potential franchise; Bettman said that a new venue would be key to having a team return to the city. The Nordiques played their entire 23-year time in Quebec at the Old Colisee and Quebec's inability to update the facilities partially led to the team's move to Colorado.

The hockey-starved city has plans on the table to get a new arena built if the NHL would give them a franchise. Aubut and "the Bomb" are looking to steward the plans over the next couple years and hopefully give the people a team to root for. If Bettman could remove his head from his own butt for a couple minutes, he would see that hockey in Quebec is a no-brainer. The people are ravenous puck-heads who basically live and breathe hockey as it's the only sport that really means anything to them - sorry Saskatchewan Roughriders. Not having a NHL-level team in Quebec is like not having Baseball in NYC or smog in LA. It's just not right, and ought to be rectified ASAP even if you never liked those stinky French-Canadians. Here is a quick aritcle on it.

You Know What Goes Great With NFL Trash Talk Fights? Vodka

Seagram's Vodka has just launched a new TV ad campaign playing on the well-known rivalries in the NFL. They have Bears/Packers, Patriots/Dolphins, and Eagles/Giants so far. The premise is that the team namesakes trash-talk one another saying silly things to anger one another. A bear yells at a block of cheese, a portrait of some old statesman argues with Flipper, etc. The marriage of the product to theme is obvious. What goes with football? Booze. What make trash talk that much better? Booze. What goes with angry fan riots at games? Booze. Vodka is just the thing to push confrontations over the edge.


The ads are pretty tame compared to what I imagine happening when rivals have been boozing in the parking lot all morning. Admittedly, my imagination runs a bit more wild than the average, but I dont think a vodka-fueled BBQ fork shanking is out of the question. I basically daydream a battle of Gladiator-like proportions breaking out in the tailgating area. Each participant clutching a handle of Seagram's in one hand and brandishing a grilling utensil in the other. The trash talk escalates into all our war. That's just me though.

Rick Reilly Licks Denver Capitol... With His Tongue

Rick Reilly, opinion writer for ESPN, said back on April 10th, 2009 that if the Colorado Rockies made the MLB playoffs, he'd give the Denver Capitol a "tongue bath". Rick Reilly said he would "tongue bathe the Capitol dome if the Rockies make the playoffs" during a live appearance on CMN. Reilly foretelling of Rockies doom was looking pretty accurate through most of the first half of the season. the Rockies were sub .500 through that half and looked pretty bad. Then Clint Hurdle was fired and Jim Tracy replaced him as Rockies Manager. Tracy led the Rockies back to an amazing finish where they came within one game of winning the NL pennant and taking the West.

Rick Reilly, who basically shits on the state that he's from in many of his pieces, now had a problem. He shat on the wrong Colorado team and now they were making him eat his words - or more aptly, lick his words. Reilly, who as far as I can tell isn't really a man of honor, actually did show up to the State Capitol in Denver. He was led up to the dome where a port was opened so that Reilly could plant his tongue on the golden plating and lick away.

"It tasted like crow," Reilly said. "That's the last time I open my big mouth." Somehow I don't think it's the last time Rick will open his big mouth. He has a tendancy to do that and after all, it's his job description. But I do hope that the dome tasted like ultimate defeat! And it probably will be the last time he makes such a bold prediction that soon into the season. It couldn't have tasted good and pictures will swirl on the internet. I'm just doing my part!

850KOA, Denver's news radio station was on hand for the public embarassment proceedings. You can see a couple more pictures here.

Jared Allen Sacks Rogers As Aaron Boards Team Bus

Jared Allen's 4.5 sacks in last night's Monday Night Footbal matchup between the Vikings and Packers was only the beginning of his night. The Vikings won the game 30-23 at home in the Metrodome, and the story of the night was Brett Favre beating his old team and being the first player to defeat all 32 teams in the NFL. Packer's QB, Aaron Rogers spent most of his night fleeing the Vikes pass rush or picking himself up after being flattened. Vikings defensive end, Jared Allen put on a clinic, consisting of 4.5 sacks, a safety, and 7 solo tackles.

Aaron Rogers enjoyed a nice shower in the visitors lockerroom and then got dressed in his street clothes. He chatted with the offensive line boys about the game before grabbing his things and following them out the tunnel. He pulled out a PBJ from his bag and sniffed the crisp night air as they exited the Metrodome. Aaron took a bite of the sandwich, mmm, delicious.

Over the sound of his own chewing, Rogers thought he heard some quickening footsteps, he looked to his right; nothing, he glanced back forward seeing his o-line shuffling towards the bus not far away. Must be nothing, he thought as he continued eating his sandwich. But the footsteps grew louder and quicker til Rodgers looked left at the last second. He saw a blur blow past his backup left tackle, Daryn Colledge, before he was blown sideways. His PBJ spun through the air, hitting the Packers center in the back of the head. Rodgers felt his feet leave the asphalt as he folder in half and was driven downwards. When he came back to conciousness, Jared Allen was standing over him yelling, "WOOOOOoooo, WOOOOOoooo!"

That makes 5.5 on the night.

ESPN the Magazine Body Issue Featuring Gina Carano

Zomg. So ESPN is about to release their "Body" issue this month. It features athletes in the nude or mostly nude. It's supposed to be an artsy look on how athletes of different sports sculpt their bodies as they practice for their competitions. Basically it's just a voyeurisitc excuse to look at hot bodies that will hopefully boost not only their male readership but also their female demographic.

One of the covers will feature Gina Carano, MMA fighter and hottie extrodinaire. Of Elite FC and American Gladiators fame, Carano is one babe I wouldn't defend myself against. She is obviously not completely nude, but rather in booty shorts and clutching her rack. This I am okay with.

I think the Body Issue is pretty much a one-up attempt to compete with SI's swimsuit edition. However the swimsuit edition is so firmly entrenched in the US that I doubt ESPN's magazine will ever surpass it. Sure, everyone loves nakey time. If ESPN does it the right way, it'll be a hit; if not, it will be viewed as just a stunt. In a perfect world, the swimsuit edition and "body issue" will live in perfect harmony and Gina Carano will be in both of them all the time. Because she is frickin' amazing, that's why. The issue hits shelves on October 9th.

Broncos Go 4-0, Denverites' Heads Begin Exploding

The Denver Broncos have gotten off to a 4-0 start under new coach, Josh McDaniels and new QB, Kyle Orton. Now that the Donkeys are performing well on the field, Denver fans have no idea who to hate on everyday of their lives. Consequently, the stress of not being able to bash the Broncos, combined with their mounting inner anguish over having to like Kyle Orton has caused fans' heads to begin spontaneously exploding.

When cornerback, Champ Bailey batted down Tony Romo's final pass on 4th and goal, 18 people's domes blew all at once. When Kyle Orton came out for his curtain call, the entire 116 section blew up and it was messy. Angry Bronco Fan has no idea what to think now that he's spent all preseason hating on Orton, McDaniels, and Cutler all at once. Orton is somehow winning games despite his every pass looking like a wounded duck that is about to get intercepted at any moment.

It is a well known fact that Orton's arm is about as strong as a Chinese child laborer working in a wet noodle factory, hand-cranking noodles. Every Orton pass sputters along somehow barely making it to the intended receiver. Kyle's game-winning pass against Cinncinati - caught by Brandon Stokley - was actually intended for anyone on the Bengals who cared to intercept it. Somehow the tip drill fell into Stokely's white-as-an-albino arms and he was able to scamper into the endzone. 80 Denver heads exploded that day.

Denver Bronco-lovers now want to support the team and stop ripping on Mcdaniels. Josh responded to fans by asking them to, "please pull the knife out of my back when I turn around." Kyle Orton just wants to be let into the LoDo bars that he's been disallowed from. "I just want to roll with ten of my bestest boy friends, but the bouncers keep saying things about ratios and sausage, I don't get it, but please let me in now?"

Rio to Host 2016 Olympics on Strength of Brazilian Girls Hotness

Rio de Janeiro has beaten out Madrid, Chicago, and Tokyo to be named the host of the 2016 summer Olympics. The International Olympic Committee voted Chicago out of the running in the first round. Tokyo came on strong but couldn't hold on in the second and in the end it was Rio winning by 66 votes to 32 over Madrid. Celebration chaos broke out in Brazil upon receiving the news. On Rio's Copacabana beach, where the city plans to hold beach volleyball in 2016, the crowd of nearly 50,000 people roared and then promptly got naked and began setting things on fire. Those last two things are not true, but you could imagine what it'd be like...

This will be the first Olympics held in South America after the 1980 Winter Olympics plans for Columbia fell through due to lack of snow and abundance of heroine. Of course, it will have unique challenges in Rio - such as incredibly high murder and crime rates. The city has a multitude of slums - many of which critics say will be razed to build stadiums and venues at expenses in the billions, which many say would be better served addressing the city's social and economic woes.

Florida Not Allowing Tebow to Study, Read - So All Is Normal

Tim Tebow is being kept in a "non-stimulus" envinronment according to Urban Meyer. Meyer said that Florida's medical staff is supervising him and that he is being kept from studying, watching film or TV, reading, and going to class. This doesn't change anything about Tim's normal routine as he never studied, read, or went to class anyway. This dated back to high school when Tebow was "home-schooled" and never did any of those things either. He posted a massive 890 on the SAT and a 3.5 homeschool GPA (because he mom said so, that's why). After the hit he took, it's doubtful that he could successfully complete Fischer Price's 'hammer-the-shape-through-the-right-slot-game'.
After suffering a concussion against Kentucky, Tebow is being held out of pretty much everything. He is also battling headaches and blurry vision and the trianing staff is giving him memory tests and exercises each day. Tim must return to practice and be symptom-free for at least 7 days before he can play again. This is where the panic sets in becuase if Tebow can't play, sophomore John Brantley (who?) will get the start. Fortunately, Brantley has a strong family support system; his uncle when asked if he's excited to see his newphew play: "Heck no!" said Scot Brantley, a former Florida linebacker. "I want to see Tebow!" Awesome, way to be supportive of family dude...

Florida takes on No.4 ranked LSU on October 10th. Fans are apparently hopeful that they never have to see Brantley ever. Tebow is getting constant encouragement that he will be ready to go, but that might not be the best thing. An early return can result in worse injuries. Florida Offensive Coordinator, Steve Addazio gave his honest opinion on Tebow, "I'm not a medical guy, but he's the toughest guy in college football." Addazio of course undermines his argument before he even states it - he's not a medical guy, nor would he be able to measure toughness if he was, nor does he know every player in college football, and he could be slightly biased since his salary rides on Tebow's shoulders. Hopefully Tebow doesn't listen to all the tough-guy encrouagement and actually heals up so he doesn't risk further injury.

Merrill Hoge of ESPN said, "If he's asymptomatic for four days, and then he starts getting a headache, it starts over. So if this happens next Tuesday, then he shouldn't play at all, no question." Hoge's NFL career with the bears ended in 1994 when he returned too early from a concussion and suffered a second massive concussion. It was so bad that Hoge had to re-teach himself to read during 18 months of rehab. Tebow won't have this problem however, since he got no need for much book-learning and dem class-attending stuff.





Snort, snort, snort.

Tiger Woods Earns 1 Billion, How's Your Economy Doing?

Tiger Woods has officially become the first athlete to make $1 billion in his career. Tiger actually hit the ten-figure mark earlier than anticipated by Forbes, who tracks athlete earnings. Woods was expected to hit the mark somewhere around mid-season 2010. However his recent FedEx Cup win pushed him into the billion earnings club. Plus he straight up comes back at the top of his game after having season-ending knee surgery the year before. That's a pretty legit comeback (even thought he didn't win any of the majors).

From Forbes: "Forbes has been tracking athlete earnings since before Tiger turned pro. Woods had earned a cumulative $895 million going into 2009, by our estimates, from prize money, appearance fees, endorsements, bonuses and his golf course design business. If you add his $10.5 million in 2009 prize money, the FedEx bonus and his take so far this year from his more than $100 million in annual off-the-course earnings, Woods' career earnings are now 10 figures."

While holding up his giant novelty FedEx check, Tiger exclaimed, "I'm rich, Bitch!" before breaking into an evil cackle, scampering off stage, and speeding away in his Buick Enclave. Tiger of course has more sponsors than he knows what to do with. He'll never run out of Nike clothing and equipment, Buicks, or soap and shaving cream. I'm not even sure Tiger has to shave, but he definitely has a ice chest full of Gilette ready to go at a moment's notice. He'll never forget the time with all his watches and won't ever run out of gatorade on the course. He's actually the only person that Peyton Manning looks up to in terms of sponsors.

Tiger is also 33 years old, and if Jack Nicklaus is any indication of golfing longevity, Tiger Woods will own the continent of North America before he dies. He's got at least 10-12 more years of solid playing time with lots of victories, his off-field endeavors will continue growing larger than $100 mil earnings per year; hell, if he stopped now and just ran his businesses and appearances, he's make another $1 billion in ten years simply for living. If only my father pounded a single talent into me from the time I was one year old. I could be living the sweet life with a model wife and all the Buicks a man could dream of owning! I could own the world of curling or shotput or something, I'm not picky.

Read the full story here.