Megan Fox Loves PBR, Has Attained Perfection

Megan Fox has attained perfection in my book, simply by wearing a Pabst Blue Ribbon shirt. Even though the lighting is a bit funky in this picture, Fox is clearly boosting sales of PBR nationwide at this very moment. Pabst hasn't looked this good since the Chicago World's Fair in 1893...where it ACTUALLY won it's famouse blue ribbon for first place in the beer contest.

Why is Megan Fox perfect? She likes transformers and terminators, enjoys the occasional PBR, is magically babelicious, fixes cars and thinks Shia Labeouf is a 'tard. That's good enough for me.

Obama's Fame Overseas Begets Ridiculous Tribute Foods

If there are two things that the rest of the world seems to like from the United States it's our unhealthy food and president Barack Obama. So what better way to cash in on—er, pay homage to—America's first black president than by ... naming and marketing a fried-chicken product after him?

"Obama-Finger's MIT CURRY DIP" (must be yelled in an Arnold impression voice) are made and sold by Sprehe, a German company with no understanding of American racial tensions. In the NY Post, Judith Witting, a sales manager for the company, said that the stereotype between fried chicken and African Americans "never occured to her". "It was supposed to be a homage to the American lifestyle and the new U.S. President," said Witting to the German media, "We noticed that American products and the American way of eating are trendy at the moment, NOW EVERYONE GET TO ZEE CHOPPA!"

Not to be outdone, the Russians have gotten in on the Obamania game. Duet Ice Cream has begun marketing their Chocolate/Vanilla mixed ice cream bar with an Nintendo Wii-looking avatar of Obama. This one equals, if not tops Obama-Fingers with it's racism card. This time playing on the fact that Obama is of mixed heritage. The headline "BLACK in WHITE, CHOCOLATE in VANILLA" might not mean anything to the average Russian who uses a different alphabet altogether, but it definitely is awkward for us English-speakers ain't it?

In fact, the ad, seen in full size here, has very little to do with the actual product being sold - apart from the tiny ice cream pic in the bottom corner. It's more about how happy, bright, rainbowy, and fun the USA is. So I guess that much is nice of them to say? I bet if you look closely you can see the Russian KGB spy sneaking in the bushes by Congress, just like on the $5 bill!

Thanks for the delectable tribute foods, World, but maybe you should have someone do cultural checks on your ads, just like Japan had people start doing grammar checks on their video games!

Tiger Ties PGA's Biggest Comeback

Tiger Woods has been back for a few events now, but now he's REALLY back. Woods tied the PGA's biggest stroke comeback as he came form behind to win the Arnold Palmer Invitational at Bay Hill on Sunday. Tiger sealed his 66th career victory with a 12 foot birdie putt on the 18th hole to move to 5 under par and take the $1.08 million purse. Just in time too - Elin Nordegren, Woods' wife, was starting to complain about Tiger being such a deadbeat while he was unemployed for the past 8 months. That cool mil will go far to the bottom line!

What wife wouldn't be pissed that their husband has been sitting around the house, "chilling" without a job for 8 months while she tries to raise two children on no money? Jut kidding, Tiger will earn more money this year than most of us will in our whole lives if he continues his 29% winning percentage. This basically means that Woods wins almost 1 in every 3 events that he enters. God damn!

Victim of Tiger's storming comeback was Sean O'Hair - the PGA's famous highschool dropout with an aversion to high pressure situations. O'Hair had a -5 score most of the day before giving it away on the 16th hole on Sunday. O'Hair's caddy, former caddy of Vijay Signh, was constantly overheard by NBC's micrphones giving O'Hair questionable advice. Then Sean would take the advice and make the result even worse. It was pretty obvious throughout the day that he couldn't stand up to the pressure of Tiger's gallery and aura - he was bound to lose from the first stroke of the day.

Sadly, on this day at Bay Hill, no strippers showed up to spice up the proceedings. Fortunately, I've attached a picture of Tiger's wife, Elin, who is far classier than a stripper and much hotter anyway:

Status Of Your Annoying Coworker's Bracket "Still Good, Still Good"

Somehow, your annoying coworker actually believes his bracket is still good. But you know he's full of shit because his pathetic taunts at the water cooler have softened like Jessica Simpson's midsection. He's scared, on his last legs, has little to no hope left. The tables have turned yet that douchebag refuses to accept it! He still struts around the office saying, "oh yeah, that Memphis loss was rough but my bracket is still good, still good!"

It's possible he actually believes that only getting two of his elite eight teams is enough. He's about as dumb as a bag of hammers, so you don't rule that out. He has no hope with Duke, Kansas, Wake Forest, Syracuse, and most of all, Memphis out. Yet he still bashes your bracket like he's Roger Ebert at a High School Musical screening. When will his douchebagery end? You know he's just going to shrug it off as a bad year when his bracket crashes and burns for the final time. He won't take responsibility for his weak-minded picks, just try to divert attention back to your picks - which as it turned out, aren't so bad.

Browns Hold Open QB Tryouts, Open to Ages 18-45

Requirements:

-Must be able to grip the ball
-Must have full use of all limbs
-Must provide proof of legal right to work in US
-Understanding of Intentional Grounding, other rules inconsequential
-Must hate Steelers
-Must provide three references and cover sheet
-Must be at least as tall as Brady Quinn, 5'6"
-May not have had past relationship with Quinn's sister
-Must not exceed three strike felony limit (exceptions made)
-Must participate in NFL Films' Browns blooper movies
-Must keep arms and legs inside the ride at all times
-Must enjoy pain, sorrow, defeat, getting booed

Hey, if it worked for kickers at Texas Tech, why not try it for the Cleveland Browns? You could pretty much find a QB anywhere, right? Or maybe here's a better idea: Get a wide receiver that doens't drop every perfectly thrown ball that comes his way! Braylon Edwards could pretty much get Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson fired simply by having hands of lead. The quarterback situation in Cleveland can be at least partially attributed to Edwards' incompetancy. Quinn and Anderson should pitch in and buy Edwards a ball throwing machine so that he can practice at home.

"I don't have a projected starter at this point," Mangini said Tuesday at the NFL meetings. "What we're going to do is we'll have an open competition where they'll both get a chance to establish that they'll be the starter." Anderson started the first 8 games of the season, but was replaced when he went down with a bruised ego. Brady Quinn stepped in for the Browns' ninth game, but only lasted three weeks before breaking a finger on his throwing hand and tearing his left primadonna tendon. "George and I are looking at any opportunity to improve the team," Mangini said of general manager George Kokinis. "But I'm in no way saying that is specific to the quarterback situation. We'd look at any opportunities to improve the team, but not specific to the QB situation. Any opportunity that came up, we'd look at it." I recommend the open tryout route, who knows, maybe Mark Wahlberg will come out and lead the team to Superbowl glory; just like he did for Greg Kinnear in Invincible!

Economic Hardship Hits Denver Nuggets Cheerleading Squad, NOOOOOO!

You know the economy is bad when the cheerleaders are being benched. Stan Kroenke, owner of the Denver Nuggets has been doling out the layoffs and cutting back left and right. Now the cheerleading squad is taking a hit. The squad will only perform at weekend homegames for the rest of the season and take a seat for all weekday matchups. Who will bust moves and get giggy wid it during the weekday games now?!

The Nuggets front office announced that by doing this they will save approximately $17,000 over the remainder of the season - about as much as Carmelo Anthony makes for 15 seconds of playing time. According to the cheerleaders, they only make about $100 bucks per game anyway, not sure how much this puts towards George Karl's bottom line, but I'm sure he's cutting back on his Wendy's Triple Stacks, going instead for the value menu double stacks, naturally.

Wait, this just in! The Cheerleaders are not to be confused with the Nuggets Dancers (the all-girl squad that people actually care about). PHEW! Everyone can calm down; that was a close one. The Cheerleaders are the tiny growth-stunted girls and the overly-chuncky guys, not the hot babes who dance in bikini tops and thongs. Thongs WILL INDEED be present at every Nuggets home game just as the universe intended. I was worried that I wouldn't get my fill of Will Smith jams and booty shorts for a moment there. And after all, what would the world be like without booty shorts? Not a world I would want to live in!

Megan Fox Moves Out Of The BAG's House, Gives Me Excuse To Post More Photos

It's been a very strenuous time for me lately... Since I reported that Megan Fox had broken off the engagement with Brian Austin Green, the couple has been spotted consistently out in Hollywood. They were reportedly on again-off again; how can she do this to my fragile heart?! Over the weekend, however, it was reported that Megan has finally moved out on the BAG and shacked up in a hotel temporarily. She's also ditched that pesky diamond ring and is out on the town flying solo. My buddy is seriously considering the move to LA to camp out papparazzi-style; then they'll meet, fall in love, and live happily ever after...yeeeaaahhhh, about that...

Megan was recently named FHM's Sexiest Women in the World as voted by the readers. Her left and right breasts finished second and third respectively. Fox will continue filming Transformers 2, due out this summer, while Brian Austin Green will continue being an obscure teen star who nobody cares about anymore. The best parts of this whole development is that a)she's hot to trot again, b) I can use this as an excuse to post more pictures of her:

NFL Draft Hopefuls Flirt With Illiteracy, Make Us Proud

When a draft propsect takes the Wonderlic test at the scouting combine or their home campus, it must be a tense feeling! A score of 10 out of 50 constitutes illiteracy according to the Wonderlic scale. Every year players flirt with the line - sometimes scoring below - and basically embarassing the institutions of higher learning who's name the players bear.

The lowest score ever came from Darren Davis, a running back prospect out of Iowa State who posted a solid 4/50. I can safely make fun of him and ISU because there is no chance that Darren will be able to read my complex sentences. So far, only the "top" prospects' scores have been released, nobody came in below ten, but the Wide Receivers definitely win the dumbest average players award this year.

Michael Crabtree from Texas Tech posted a 15, Darrius Herward of Maryland hit 14, Percy Harvin of Florida got a 12, and Hakeen Nicks of UNC gave everyone a run for their money with an 11. Let's hope none of these guys are asked back to speak at commencement down the road! With their test scores ranging from 22-30%, these would be solid F's in any other examination. I remain hopeful that when the rest of the tests are released we'll see some sub-10 illiteracy!

Here are some other interesting scores:

Georgia - Matt Stafford - 38

USC - Mark Sanchez - 28

Kansas State - Josh Freeman - 27

Arizona - Eben Britton - 31

Virginia - Eugene Monroe - 24

Baylor - Jason Smith - 23

Ole Miss - Michael Oher - 19

USC - Clay Matthews - 27

USC - Brian Cushing - 23

Michigan - Louis Delmas - 12

McFadden v. Henry - There Can Be Only One

In the Battle of the Baby Daddies, only one man can reign supreme. Rising star, Darren McFadden, weighs in at 6'2" - 210 Lbs. - 21 years old - 3 confirmed babies with 3 different women, 2 paternity tests pending. Reigning champion, Travis Henry, weighs in at 5'9" - 230 Lbs. - 30 years old - 9 confirmed babies with 9 different women, 0 paternity tests pending. Fresh-faced rookie versus seasoned veteran, who will emerge victorious in BATTLE OF BABY DADDIES?!

Henry: cut by Denver...Team Affiliation...McFadden: Oakland HS

Henry: RB......Position......McFadden: RB

Henry: 9x9......Known Offspring......McFadden: 3x3

Henry: bitches tricked me!...Preferred Condom...McFadden: Conwhodywhaty?

Henry:Wilt Chamberlain......Mentor......McFadden: Shawn Kemp

Henry: Shawn Kemp......Hero......McFadden: Wilt Chamberlain

Henry: child support payments......Weakness......McFadden: vaginas

Henry: mood lighting......Strength......McFadden: Spray'n'Pray

Henry: motion of the ocean......Speed......McFadden: the fast and furious

Henry: cocaine trafficking....Special Move....McFadden: 4.27 second 40 yrd

Henry: The Houdini......Finishing Move......McFadden: The Angry Pirate

Annoying Coworker Thinks Your Bracket Sucks

You know that guy from ProcurEment? He thinks you and your bracket picks suck. Right now, he's downing cups off coffee just hoping to get on the same piss schedule as you so he can ignore the space-between urinal law and get all up in your face about your pansy-ass picks. You've never spoken before, but he knows enough about your shitty bracket to rip on your mom, girlfriend, and appearance.

All he does all day is inventory pens, order printer paper, and scoff at your NCAA basketball knowledge. Right now he's talking shit about you to those around him who could care less. He's just such a basketball god that your pathetically mortal picks will never stand up to his infallable mastery. He laughs in your face at the water cooler when you have no clue what's going on or why doucheface is all up in your grill.

You probably want to punch him as much as you did that clown your wife hired for your kid's birthday. God that guy fucking sucks. So here's to your bracket, which is doing just as well as all of mine. Keep your head up and try to ignore the douchebagery.

Barack Breaks Pac10's Ankles, Eliminates Them in Round 1

President Barack Obama's bracket shows no respect to the Pac10 this year. Even though his brother in-law coaches at Oregon State, Obama picked only one Pac10 school to make it to the second round of the college national basketball tournaments which starts today. Washington was the only team to get a nod to the round of 32, where they promptly lose to Purdue. Is Obama's east coast bias already setting in?

The Prez picked North Carolina to win it all and ultimately had all but one of the 1-seeds in the final four. He picked Memphis to be the last team, beating UConn to crash the all number 1 party. Barack did make note that he is very busy and though he filled out a bracket and will be following the results, he most likely will not watch the games because he has things like a broken economy and Wall Street shenanigans to deal with. Obama's picks can be seen here.

The Economy is definitely making an impact on my pools; in groups that normally would have at least 15 members, I'm seeing only 8 in my friends group, 7 in my office pool, and 4 in my hockey team pool. It's a sad reminder that people are cutting back to make ends meet elsewhere. I wish Barack good luck and only hope that my bracket can vanquish his pac10-hating one. Obama would be pretty pissed if all the Pac10 schools suddenly lit on fire and started winning! Man, he'd be so pissed! It would kinda be like this video:

Twittering At Halftime Great Unless You're Playing in the Game

Charlie Villanueva got in hot water recently with Milwaukee Bucks coach, Scott Skiles for twittering during halftime for the Bucks game against the Celtics. Apparently Skiles was giving a boring speech about hustle-this and defense-that and Villanueva was falling asleep like it was first period US History. So Charlie decided to pull out his phone and drop a "mobile tweet" to his social network feed. Charlie tweets under the name CV31, his initials and jersey number.

Villanueva posted this tweet: "In da locker room, snuck to post my twitt. We're playing the Celtics, tie ball game at da half. Coach wants more toughness. I gotta step up." You know what else the coach wants, chuck? He wants you to pay g'damn attention to him instead of twittering like a 14 year old girl! You have to admire the time saving "da" instead of "the", however; that move alone saved him two valuable character spaces in Twitter's limited message length system. After the game, Charlie reportedly tweeted "That girl Sharon from study hall is such a slut, she's always so fake with her friends and I'm just like duh! she's dumb! I hate sitting next to her in social studies, WORST CLASS EVA!"

I twittered once at halftime of a basketball game, only difference was I was sitting in section 308 at a Nuggets game, not in front of Skiles while he tries to put together a plan to beat one of the strongest teams in the NBA. "We made a point to Charlie and the team that it's nothing we ever want to happen again," Skiles said after practice Tuesday. "You know, (we) don't want to blow it out of proportion. But anything that gives the impression that we're not serious and focused at all times is not the correct way we want to go about our business."

Later Skiles wrote on his tweet, DeltaSkilesMiles, "That Charlie is such a punk. I let him borrow my pen in home room and he didn't give it back! Now he says it was his all along, I hate him. I hate him and his hairless weirdo face!"

Hank Baskett = Luckiest 5th String Receiver Ever

Hank Basket may be behind Kevin Curtis, DeSean Jackson, Reggie Brown, and Jason Avant on the Eagle's depth chart, but that's not stopping him from marrying smoking hot playmate, Kendra Wilkinson. In fact, being the 5th WR option might be the perfect match for the football-loving playmate of Girls Next Door fame. Hank won't have to be worried about getting hurt or being too tired when he gets home, he'll never play unless DeSean Jackson accidentally t-bones Curtis as he tries to swoop in to the last parking spot outside the stadium.

Kendra was of course the sportiest of Hef's gals, so it only makes sense that she marries an athlete - but a benchwarmer?! She could've gone for Phillip Rivers or Jay Cutler! Then again, Holly Madison was the proper one, and she went for a douchebag magician so that doesn't make sense either...

So now Hank and Kendra are engaged to be married and where has Kendra chosen for the ceremony? The Playboy mansion of course! Hef was gracious enough to allow the ceremony to be held on the lawn of the famous home. This way Hank can hook up his buddies with the reception party of a lifetime. I'm sure the bachelor party won't be too shabby either. The only problem with choosing the mansion as the marriage? They can't find a minister who will see past all that sinnin' and join the two in holy matrimony!

Men of the cloth might be led into temptation with all the flotation devices, platinum blonde hair, oh, and maybe all the football players too! Don't think for a second that priests don't know what goes on in that grotto either - and it ain't confessing, I tell you what! Putting hordes of busty playmates in front of a celibate man in robes is like wearing sweat pants to the boner party. It's just a slippery situation. I wish Kendra and Hank the best; Vegas is putting the over/under for their marriage length at 6 months!

Denver Donkey Punch; Detroit Eyeing Cutler, Another Winless Season

The Detroit Lions are fanning the fire in Denver by expressing their interest in Jay Cutler. Cutler met with Bronco's head coach, Josh McDaniels, over the weekend and according to Jay, "Meeting not go well! Jay want smash Josh face! Jay need two box tissues, WAHHH!!!" McDaniels, on the other hand, seemed unphased and upbeat about the meeting, "Jay and I met on Saturday, I told him I listened to trade talks and that yes, I wanted Cassel, but that was behind us now. Jay started crying and then throwing things; he even pulled out a pacifier and sucked it will crouching in the corner while I spoke to his agent."

Shortly after the meeting, Jay's agent called Denver's GM and let him know that Cutler was requesting a trade from the team...I guess for the second time since he asked for one a month ago? Cutler seems set on destroying his reputation and career by requesting a trade when the only team interested is Detroit. If Cutler goes to Detroit, the Lions will immediately think that their problems are solved and begin drafting WR's all willy nilly. The fact of the matter is that the Lions blow and will continue to blow.

McDaniels is moving forward with his first team meeting on Monday at Bronco's HQ. Cutler won't be present becuase he's having a vagina lift so he is presentable to trade suitors. Josh will speak with the majority of the team about their new system and new set of values. It's pretty clear that the new way of business is system over talent, men over crybabies. I hope the rest of the team understands this business, because Cutler doesn't. He insists on continuing to act like a petulant child and a little bitch. In other news, retarded Broncos fans still predicting superbowl bid.

Weis and Belichick Will Sing Bon Jovi For Money

A pretty feel-good story from over the weekend. Charlie Weis was hosting a fundrasier dinner for he and his wife's charity, Hannah & Friends. During the show Mike Green and Mike Golic from ESPN's Mike and Mike in the Morning were the MC's and Bon Jovi performed a small concert for the 300 in attendance. That's pretty sweet to see Bon Jovi in a private show in the ballroom of the Waldorf Astoria in NYC.

Bon Jovi played through several songs before getting to Dead or Alive. This is Mike Green's account, recounted roughly by me, from Mike's show: "After playing the first couple notes to the roar of the crowd, Bon Jovi stopped and said, 'you know, I would pay $50,000 to have Charlie and Bill come up here and sign this song with me...you know what? I will do that, I will donate $50,000 right now if they come up and sing it.'" And so they did.

Charlie (Coach of the Notra Dame Fighting Irish) and Bill (Patriot's Head coach) trundled up on stage like good sports and sang along. Bill did pretty well, but it was quite clear that Charlie, a)isn't a good singer, b)doesn't know the words. As Bill hoodie-mumbled his way through the song, Charlie turned to leading clap-alongs and giving shoutouts to his buddies. Bon Jovi made them share a mic and made sure to keep his distance lest Charlie attempt to eat him.

Pretty funny to see those guys on stage with Bon Jovi, but it's nice to know that Jon did donate $50K for the charity. Below is the video that ws found on the Patriot's website.

Cutler Still Being a Little Bitch

A report came out today that Cutler's denver home has been put up for sale. When is this drama going to end? Someone needs to tell Cutler that the NFL is first and foremost a business. No one has time for your feelings Jay! The Broncos tried to trade you for another quarterback because they don't think you will pan out. I am starting to think they are right. I have never seen anyone act like such a little bitch over trade talks. Shut your fucking mouth and strap on your helmet and get back to work. The Broncos can't afford you pouting all season. If I knew you were such a pansy I would never have rooted for you to succeed. I hope you get traded in the next few months so you can be overrated somewhere else.

picture from blogs.westword.com

Sharapova Makes Her Return 7 Month After Shoulder Surgery

Maria Sharapova is back, much to the pleasure tennis fans and/or men everywhere. Sharapova has been out of the sport for 7 months recovering from reconstructive surgery on her right shoulder. Maria participated in Indian Wells Masters in Palm Springs, CA. She played doubles after letting reporters know that she's not quite ready for the singles game just yet.

Maria is regning babe of tennis, so was warmly welcomed back. She played doubles another Russian hottie, Elena Vesnina. The two lost the match, but were so good looking that nobody noticed (6-1, 4-6, 10-7). The road back to the number ranking in the world will certainly by tough for Sharapova. After all, her shoulder surgery was as extensive as Tiger's knee conditions. Her power forehand looked a bit rusty during play and though the pair made a heroic attempt to come back, they fell short in extra games.

Maria is only 24 and has plenty of time to make her way back to the top. She missed the Beijing Olympics, US Open, and Australian Open for her shoulder troubles. I expect her in top form before long, just like Tiger. For now, enjoy these photos

Hitler, Apparently a Bills Fan, Pissed About TO Signing

Hilarious video of Hitler blowing up over the T.O. signing. Apparently the third reich supported the Buffalo Bills. This is amazingly funny - especially the part about James Hardy!

UFL Signs Big Name Coaches Will It Be Enough?

The UFL announced that it has sign on 3 big name coaches for its inaugural season. Dennis Green, Jim Fassel and Jim Haslett have signed on to head coach the start up league but these three be enough? The UFL needs to sign on big name players and good talent to be successful. Having good coaches will help retain talent but they won't be putting fans in the seats.

Football is a huge cash cow in this country but are we going to be able to handle it more than once a week? What about this new league will make me watch to watch when they will be offering an inferior product? Clearly the players are not going to be as good as they are in the NFL because the money is not there yet. What about the UFL will set it apart and make it something people want to watch? These are the questions they need to ask themselves before their first game starts.

The XFL hyped itself up as being an "extreme" football league. They promised bigger hits, different camera angles and looser celebration and rules. When I first heard this I was really excited to see how different this new football league would be. It failed to deliver in every aspect except for the camera work. The games were no more extreme than NFL games and the players were just not as good. Names like "HE HATE ME" made people make fun of the XFL instead of watch it.

I give the UFL one season to impress people. If they don't make an immediate impression, they aren't going to make it.

News of McCain/Palin Loss Reaches Alaska, Levi Johnston Immediately Dumps Bristol Palin

News of the McCain/Palin presidential election loss to Obama/Biden has made it to Alaska. Upon receiving the news, Levi Johnston, father to Bristol Palin's illegitimate baby, promptly dumped Bristol like it was garbage day. Levi put two and two together that if Sarah Palin wasn't the vice president, she could no longer use the brute force of the white house to force him to marry Bristol. Sadly, he almost went through with it, because in Alaska news only travels as fast as people go from Cracker Barrel to Cracker Barrel to pass the word.

Sources say that the breakup was mutual and happened a little while ago, but of course everyone sees through that BS! With certainty, Levi was bullied into proposing just as much as Bristol was bullied into unprotected sex with Levi...BOOM goes the dynamite!! Sources also say that Levi still sees the baby on a regular basis (doesn't and instead hunts a lot) and that Bristol is doing okay after the breakup (isn't okay and eats lots of donuts).

While the pregnancy certainly hurt Palin's shot at the VP gig, the marriage seemed to smooth the situation over (fooled no one). Now it's just another story of a single mother raising her child in the wilderness of Alaska like 'In To the Wild'. Did I miss the point of that book? Never mind that, the point is that Bristol Palin will have to finish high school while rearing a child. She plans to attend nursing school though, so all's well that ends well! Levi wants to pursue Iditarod-ing or become a Alaskan brush hermit - anything to keep from having to be a father.

<man, I hope her mom doesn't win so I can get out of this shit!>

Tapout Founder Dies

The creator of the MMA brand, Tapout died this morning after a horrific car crash in his ferrari. Charles Lewis, better known as "Mask" was pronounced dead at the scene after his car crashed into a light pole. A white porche, which fled the scene after the accident, was later found by police.

Mask was widely known as the face of Tapout and while this blogger has often called him and everyone who wears his line of clothing a douche bag, I am sad to know he is gone.

Stimulus Dollars at Work: Bank of America to Sponsor Liverpool FC

US banking companies that have been receiving federal bailout dollars still love signing British premier league football teams to sponsorship deals! First it was AIG's $50 million sponsorship of Manchester United that came into question shortly after receiving over $100 billion in US federal bailout money. Now it's Bank of America's turn - sponsoring Liverpool FC.

On March 5th, Bank of America signed off on a major sponsorship deal with Liverpool - several weeks after receiving about $45 billion in bailout funds. BofA is the owner of MBNA, and UK credit card supplier who makes Liverpool Supporter credit cards. Though MBNA is a UK-based company (in Chester), the deal was finalized by BofA, though an amount was not released.

Liverpool is the 7th richest football club in the world and currently sits at third in the Barclay's Premier League standings. This puts them not far behind Manchester United, so I would hazard a guess that the amount is similar to the $50 million deal that ManU has with AIG. I guess the controls on how government money are not that strict - I guarantee you that if BofA hadn't received a bailout check they wouldn't be cutting this deal right now. I once again propose that American flag sponsor patches be placed on English jerseys and the National Anthem be played at the opening of games. Just my pipedream to stick it to the man!

Clemens Accused of Douchebagery, Verdict: Guilty

Actually, not really - He hasn't been found guilty of anything yet, but baseball experts say that jail time is a very real possibility for Clemens! If Clemens did commit perjury, he could be facing a couple years in the slammer. According to reports, performance enhancing substances (no, not the kind Bud Selig uses) were found all over the vials, syringes, and guaze pads turned over by Brian McNamee, Roger's former trainer. The evidence also contains Clemens DNA from blood leftover on the materials.

After going on the backburner when the Bonds trail and A-Roid scandal came to the forefront, Clemens is now squarely back in the spotlight. Things are looking good for Roger now either - considering it looks like he repeatedly and vehemently lied to congress over and over. Eric Holder, Clemens' main attorney in the case recused himself from representing Roger - inpart becuase of his appointment by the Obama administration, but mostly becuase the USS Roger ship is sinking - the Clemens Train is going nonstop express to perjurytown USA!

In addition to perjury, people are specualting that Clemens could be facing witness tampering charges. After being told not to contact or reach out to Lily Strain, the former nanny to his children, Roger went ahead and talked to her before she spoke before congress. That's a big no-no Roger! So outside Perjury and Witness Tampering, is Clemens guilty of taking steroids? I don't know, but lets examine these two pictures - one from Clemens on draft day 1983, the other last season:

T.O. Signs With North America, Calls JP Losman and Trent Edwards Gay

Terrelly Owens, perpetually upset and outspoken wide receiver, landed in Buffalo, NY over the weekend after signing a 1-year, $6.5 million deal. TO said that he is excited to show what he can do for North America's team; I'm not sure who is eligible to play for North America's team, but I assume it will be a conglomeration of Canadian, American, Mexican, and by some definitions, Central American players. Upon his arrival in Buffalo, NY, the press asked TO if he thought Losman and Edwards (Buffalo's QB's) were gay. TO responded, "like my boys tells me: If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, by golly, it is a rat."

In all seriousness, TO has landed with a Buffalo Bills team that could definitely speed up his implosion timeline. In seasons with the 49er's, Eagles, and Cowboys, it took several years before TO started to undermine his QB's and team morale. Sexuality accusations, Sideline blowups, and crying whine-fests. This time around, Owens has only one year to get upset, lash out, and implode the Bills. Can he do it?!

I say yes. TO has played with pro-bowl quality quarterbacks throughout his career. Garcia's prime in San Fran, Mcnabb in Philly, and Romo in Dallas. These were QB's playing high level football - and it still wasn't good enough to Terrell. How long will it take with Losman's overthrows and Edwards' underthrows for TO to blow up in the media? My guess is not long.

He'll be plugged into an offense that has underperformed in their passing game over the past several seasons, despite Lee Evans being a very good wideout. On top of that, he'll be playing in Buffalo New York and traveling to road games at Foxboro, the Meadowlands and other frosty winter wonderlands. The environment doesn't beget a strong passing attack. I think the only one who will benefit from his presence is Marshawn Lynch who will have more space to run.

UFC 96 Did Not Disappoint

I wasn't sure how exciting UFC 96 was going to be. Most fighters on the card were relatively unknown and the household name, Rampage Jackson was going up against a silly but dangerous fighter in Keith Jardine. It seemed we had more to lose by watching the fights, Jackson could have lost and disappeared forever and the under card fights could have been boring. UFC 96 anything but boring.

Fight after fight last night was a highlight reel waiting to happen. Even guys I didn't know where trying to knock each others heads off. One of the best fights of the night had to be the Matt Hamill v. Filipino guy Munoz. Hamill finished the fight with a monster right kick to the side of Munoz's face as Munoz was ducking into it. Munoz immediately went down, after Hamill finished him off with 3 unnecessary punches, Munoz was taken off on stretcher while Hamill was celebrating the victory. Hamill is definately crowd favorite, his happy demeanor, great fighting skill and the fact that he is hearing impaired all make him one of the most likable UFC fighters. 

One shocker in the night was the Gonzaga v. Carwin fight. Gonzaga was working his way back toward a heavy weight title shot when he was met with Carwin's right hand. Carwin's hands looked really heavy as he was slamming them into Gonzaga's face. Gonzaga didn't even know where he was when the referee was trying to help him off of the mat. 

The one weird fight of the night was entertaining and scary. Matt "the immortal" Brown took on Pete Sell. This fight was Brown's from the get go and once Brown knocked Sell to the ground the referee jumped in and waived Brown off from attacking him on the ground. This gave Sell enough time to recover and get back up. The fight should have been done at this point but for some reason the referee let the fight go on. Brown immediately went back on the offensive and put sell to the ground while pounding his face repeatedly. Sell looked to be done but the referee still didn't call the fight. Miraculously Sell got back on his feet but there was definitely no one home. It looked like he was acting on pure instinct. Brown landing a few more huge blows to a wobbly Sell and then looked at the referee with his arms out begging him to stop the fight. Brown then gently pushed Sell and he fell over with ease. Brown threw 2 monster haymakers to Sell's face and landed them both while he lay on his back with his hands at his sides. Finally the referee stopped the fight and Brown immediately went to Sell and apologized for the relentless beating he gave him. The referee allowed a beating. I found myself screaming at the tv for him to stop the fight. I have never yelled for any fight to be stopped but I actually feared Sell would get badly hurt. 

UFC 96 was as exciting as it gets as far as fights are concerned. This event further propelled UFC into the mainstream and took boxing down a notch. There wasn't a moment where I wasn't excited and entertained. The only fight that went to decision was the main event and all the other fights ended in knockout. Unreal night and I am still buzzing over some of the fights.

What Happened to Boxing?

I was watching a fight with some friends the other night on HBO. I really had no expectations for the fight. I thought I would see a lot of clinching, a lot of blocking and a decision at the end that I didn't agree with. Instead I saw an amazing fight. It had everything you could want in a fight. Speed, technique, good defense, action and a big time knockout to finish. I am of course talking about the Marquez v Diaz fight that took place last week. Never heard of those guys? Neither have I and that is the problem boxing is facing right now. 

Boxing needs to go back to the drawing board in many aspects if it wants to be a relevant sport in the US again. MMA is a fast growing sport right now and is taking a major part of the market share for fighting. Is it because people like MMA better than boxing? I don't think so. I think MMA is just doing a better job of marketing is big fighters. Everyone knows names like De La Hoya and Mayweather but they are both over the hill and certainly not in their prime. Boxing has become an "old fighters" game. They promote guys who have gone 40-2 in their career but you don't know how they got there. Manny Pacquiao is a prime example of this. Manny has been a very good fighter for a long time now. Only now that he is 30 years old and has fought 50 fights is he getting any spotlight. Boxing needs to highlight its YOUNG stars, I want to grow up with fighters like I have with George's St. Pierre and Forrest Griffin in MMA.

Another reason I think MMA is doing so well and boxing is struggling is cable television. You can't find boxing on tv even if you are looking for it. MMA is on Spike a few times per week. The UFC promotes its fighters very well. Before you watch big fights they usually show ALL of that fighters previous fights. This way even if you don't know the fighter, you know their style and who they have beat previously. I want to know who is fighting and who they have fought before. Boxing has become a sport that is only for the rich now. You can only catch it on HBO or PPV. Boxing used to be a sport for the common man, the working man. The common man can't afford HBO right now. If he wants to see big fights he's got to shell out big bucks. Even UFC mixes in a few free PPV events. 

Boxing better wake up before the world passes it by. They need to get back to their roots and start promoting their fights better. PPV and HBO are not going to cut it moving into the future. They need to team up with a sports channel (not ESPN) and get fights out there for all to see. Replay some good fights from the past, not just Tyson v Holyfield but fighters who are still fighting now. I want boxing to be great again. I want someone to root for.

Mir and Lesnar Still On Despite Mir Injury

Frank Mir has decided that despite his recent knee surgery he will still go on with his fight against Brock Lesnar in late May. This fight by many accounts was all but postponed after Mir hurt his knee and required surgery. Mir must have realized that unless Lesnar was hammer punching his knee, the injury would have no affect on the fight.

Lesnar an impressive 3-2 in MMA has a limited repertoire in the octagon. Since there is no body slamming (which Lesnar does anyway) Lesnar has a small chance of beating Mir this time. The last time these 2 met Lesnar went to his bread and butter signature move. Tackle the other guy using a spear tackle and once they are on the ground use your weight to keep him there. Once on the ground you rain down hammer fist blows until the referee calls the fight prematurely. Unfortunately there is no skill involved in what Lesnar does in the octagon so the referee deducted him a point for hammer fisting Mir in the back of the head. Once they stood up, Lesnar went back to the spear technique only to be caught by a knee bar which Lesnar has never seen before in his previous 1 fight at the time. 

Alas the heavy weight division is so poor and untalented Lesnar gets a title shot 2 fights later with a 2-2 record. Dana White defended Lesnar's record by saying he was a 4 time World Champion in his last job. I cannot wait for this fight. I want Lesnar to fall in Kimbo fashion. I want the world to know he is a fraud (for now). I want him to get destroyed by Mir and all the Brock Lesnar fans to make up excuses on why he lost the fight. After ALL of that, I want Lesnar to go back to the gym, work hard and become a better fighter. Eventually he will be good but he doesn't deserve the title right now. 

Florida State Gets NCAA Probation - Must Forfeit Scholarships, Wins, Jen Sterger

The NCAA has placed Florida State University on a 4-year probation after concluding a review of their academic scandal from fall of 2006 through summer 2007. Student athletes, including a lot of FSU football players, cheated on tests and papers over that time period. Those enrolled in an online music education course accepted exam answers from "tutors" and turned in papers written for them by others. In all, over 60 FSU athletes were found involved.

FSU's 4-year probation means they will lose a significant number of scholarships in several sports and must vacate wins over the past several football seasons. They must also forfeit any game attended by Jen Sterger's cleavage in which she improperly offered motor-boating trips to opposing players. This could put a significant dent in FSU's record over the 2006 and 2007 seasons. FSU may be forced to vacate 7 wins in both '06 and '07 in which cheating players and Jen's flotation devices actively participated.

Florida State coach Bobby Bowden was ready to enter spring football practices with 382 career wins, trailing Penn State coach Joe Paterno by one win in the race for the nation's winningest college football coach. Now he will be behind by 15 wins, DOH! Bowden claimed he didn't know anything about the academic scandal and that he doesn't even know the names of the players involved as he hasn't actively coached the team since 1989. When asked about Jen Stergers breasts, Bowden admitted he was actively involved in that part of the scandal and had accepted multiple free motor-boating excursions.

If You Could Change the Nicknames of Schools In Your Conference...

What if you had the power to bestow mildly offensive nicknames upon colleges and universities in the NCAA? Instead of the USC Trojans I would bestow the name USC Dental Dams. Why? Because Trojan is a brand of prophylactic, a dental dam is a funny female alternative to a condom, and because I'm just not that clever. Then again neither are people from Kansas who have created cheers solely based upon their ability to rhyme things with "hawk"....such as rock, lock, jock, chalk, and Spock.

I recently thought about the Big Twelve schools because im an alum of that conference. Doing my best to lightly offend the supporters of each school, here is my list:

Big XII North:

Nebraska - Soy Beaners (now a more prominent job than corn-husking!)

Iowa State - Cornhuskers (now a more prominent job than trucker station attendant!)

Colorado - drunkenpuffers (Let's face it, most kids are high and drunk at CU games)

Kansas - RockCockHamHock (my rhyming ability, though good, not as good as if I had gone to KU)

Kansas State - Purple Rain (this way whenever they win they can say, "Game...blouses...")

Missouri - 2008ers (like the 49ers, Mizzou peaked and will never be known for anything ever again)

Big XII South:

Texas - Instruments (though im sure nobody at UT has ever used a calculator, Texas Instrument brand or otherwise - I think it's funny as a synonym for Tool. People from Austin are tools)

Oklahoma - Used Car Salesmen (Unemployment isn't an issue for the Sooners team, the door is always open at Big Red Sports/Imports in Norman, just ask Rhett Bomar)

OK State - TBoonePickeners (He's paid enough that they should at least be called the Booners.)
Texas A&M - 11men (the 12th man is pretty impressive. Too bad the 11 guys on the field suck)
Texas Tech - OpenStudentTryOuters (self explanatory, anyone can join their football or basketball team, just show up to tryouts)

Baylor - Sunbelters (that's about how good they are)

How would you rename the college teams that you love to hate?

Al Davis Challenges Dan Snyder to MURDERBALL For TO Signing Rights

Al Davis (above), creepy-old owner of the Oakland Raiders, will MURDERBALL Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder this weekend for the right to sign Terrell Owens. Davis threw down the challenge today from his old persons' home in suburban Oakland. Dan Snyder accepted and then paid off congress to pass a bill making MURDERBALL both a noun and a verb. At a tense press conference, Dan Snyder said, "Al, I will MURDERBALL your wrinkly ass back to the stone age - from whence it came." To which Al Davis replied, "mrrphh glurgpft rrraawwwrr!" before throwing his denchers at Snyder and wheeling away.

Dallas Cowboys Cut T.O. Dan Snyder Gets Out Checkbook, Licks Fountain Pen

Jerry Jones and the Dallas Cowboys have released Terrell Owens back into the wild after a roller coasted ride in the 2008 season. TO averaged only 4.3 catches a game, caused lots of stirs in and around the locker room, and eventually ended up proving that he wasn't worth the hassle - just like he did in San Francisco and Philladelphia.

The Cowboys paid Owens a $12 million signing bonus just last year, included as part of a new four-year, $34 million deal. Dallas will take a roughly $9 million salary cap hit with the release of Owens. The Cowboys went 31-17 in Owens' three seasons, but 0-2 in the playoffs. They were also 1-1 on TO overdoses resulting in hospitalization and 1-1 on emotional breakdowns involving pathetic public wimpering. But will the Cowboys benefit from TO leaving? SI thinks yes.

They also hypothesize that TO will be coveted by Dan Snyder, owner of the Washington Redskins with deep pockets. I had this though too, completely independent Peter King, i swear! Upon hearing the news I immediately went to my secret Redskins front office cam to watch in on the action. Here's how it went down:

Dan Snyder and Vinny Cerato (#2) sit alone in a dark office, the only light flickering from Dan's $400,000 fireplace and his Cohiba cigar. Dan sits in his cushy chair, feet propped up on his mahogany desk. #2 sits opposite him on a three-legged stool, awkwardly higher than Dan.

"Soooo, Mr. Snyder, did you hear that TO got released by the Cowboys?"

Snyder replies, "yes, I did, get TO's agent on the phone immediately! We're going to stick it to the Cowpokes by signing their sloppy seconds, Sean Avery style."

"But Mr. Snyder, we've already spent more on Albert Haynesworth than the Denver Broncos have spent on 11 free agent signings..."

"Shutup #2! I'm Dan Snyder bitch! I have bank accounts in so many places that the SEC doens't even know how incredibly rich I am! Bernie Madoff has nothing on me!"

#2 begrudginly dials up Drew Rosenhaus, TO's agent, then hands the phone to Snyder.

"Hello, Drew? This is Dan the Fucking Man Snyder. I heard TO is available, we want him and I'm prepared to offer...ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"

"Shouldn't you offer me more than a million dollars?" Drew scoffs, "A million dollars isn't exactly a lot of money these days. My Agency, Virtucon, alone makes over 9 billion dollars a year!"

#2 winces as Dan pulls out his checkbook and recollects himself, "Okay Drew AssBagenhaus, how about we hold the world ransom for, uh, I mean sign TO for One...Hundred...BILLION DOLLARS! Press the pound sign if you accept my offer bitch!"

the phone beeps from Drew's end. Snyder slams down the phone, kicks Vinny's stool over, and starts shadow boxing around Vinny as he lays on the floor cowering.

"Booyah bitch! That's why I am Dan the fucking man Snyder and you're just Joe Paterno's illegitimate child! Now let's go get tanked on Vodka tonics; I'll order juicy juice for you, Vinny."