See, I don't really hate the Yankees, I honestly care too little to feel one way or another about them. I can't be bothered to actively hate, let alone watch their games. I grew up in a baseball-less town - Washington DC - and I adopted the Rockies when I moved to Colorado basically for my own convenience. If people around me were fans, I'd absorb enough information via osmosis to go to a handful of games a year and not be leaning over to ask, "Who's this Tulozoswitz guy?" I'm not upset with the Yankees's payroll - hey it's MLB's rules, and they play by them. If the Monford's of Denver spent the way Steinbrenner does, nobody in Colorado would be up in arms. Baseball doesn't have a salary cap, so until that changes, don't blame an owner who wants to win. And until they do, the Rockies will be a farm team for the big guys - bye bye Tulo, Mauer, Holiday, thanks for the good times!No, I'm gunning for you Yankee fans with little discernable connection to the team. I'm hunting down you Manchester United fans who don't know what offsides is, but really like David Beckham's underwear ads that are all over LA. I'm calling out you non-Catholic Notre Dame fans whose closest connection to God is a point to the sky and a wave at Touch Down Jesus. I'm coming after you NZ All Blacks fans who can't pronounce Maori and whose only link to New Zealand is Flight of the Conchords on HBO. You're from California, Florida, Connecticut, or Texas; your dad lived in New York for a couple years or you went to Radio City Music Hall for spring break... and now you are a diehard Yankees fan. You are the Kevin Bacon of Yankees six degrees of separation and you must repeatedly rationalize your fanhood to your skeptics. You know who you are too - you're the ones getting angry right about now while the real fan with no explaining to do reads on calmly.
Teams with notoriously high payrolls have an inordinate number of these cling-on fans, simply because of the team's high profile. Americans root for Manchester United because they are the most famous team in the world. The Blackburn Rovers have no money-no success compared to Man U, which is why nobody in the US supports them. If I asked the average Denverite for three Premier League teams, they'd probably go with Man U, Liverpool, and Chelsea. Why? Because they spend like Steinbrenner... and win like the Yankees. Consequently, no Brit, when asked to name three MLB teams would stray far from Yankees, Red Sox, Dodgers.
What irks me is that you cling so desperately and vehemently to "your team", getting angry and defensive when someone trash talks them. It's like they are a pacifier and the multitude of other "fans" are your security blanket, you hope others will come to your aid. Your first response is to put down the team of whoever is coming after you - yeah, my team sucks, but I still love them - you're trying to change the subject. Then you sip that rage-ahol, "don't talk shit about my team! Screw you! aahhHHHhh!" You get defensive and angry. Then you try to rationalize it, "you see my mom's family lives in upstate New York and we visit for Thanksgiving a lot." Yeah? Well fuck them, they are probably Mets fans anyway, oh, and say hello to your mother for me. The next step is Dismissiveness, using your female-impersonating-a-dumb-male-caveman-voice, "yeah, well, I dont even care, so ungh." This is you realizing that nothing you say can convince me that you're a true fan, you have no other real answer outside of physical violence.
Real connections, you get a pass in my book. Your Dad actively watches all the Cubs games as you were growing up? Understood, it's osmosis. Your town/state doesn't have a team? You get to root for the next closest team - as long as you don't actively skip over some for no good reason until you arrive at a dominant team. If you're from Connecticut and refused to watch the Patriots because they sucked circa 1990s, you don't get to skip over the Giants, Jets, and Eagles to arrive in central Pennsylvania and root for the Steelers. Your team moved cities or arrived in your current city after you had settled on a different team? Pass. But if you went to a game at the USC Coliseum once while visiting your Aunt and you really like their colors, try again buddy.
If you got angry reading this because you felt like it was a personal attack on you, then it probably was a personal attack on you ('cept Russ, he know's im kidding). You probably got angry because you're the "I have to explain why I get to be a fan" guy. Maybe you should honestly think about why you like the team - let me give you a hint, it's not simply because you have a couple uncles that live there, it's a lot less personal and much more superficial than that. It's probably more that they win a lot and you like their color scheme, plus there was an extra seat on the bandwagon so you hopped on board - you love trying to be part of a winning tradition, don't you?
So to all New Yorkers, today I congratulate you. Good job on bringing it all together. To those New Yorkers extended family, congrats also. And to other Yankees "fans", gggoooooooo Manchester United!!! Let's win the treble!!
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