John Cusack better go back for some rewrites on his end-of-time thriller, 2012. Twilight: New Moon set an all-time record for an Autumn premier weekend, banking over $140.7 million dollars, meaning the apocalypse is at hand. New Moon ranks third for opening box office takes at any time of year behind The Dark Knight ($158.4 mil) and Spiderman 3 ($151.1 mil). The flick doubled up on the first Twilight, which turned in $69.6 million back in 2008, and set an opening day record of $72.7 million. Theatergoers were 80% females and were split evenly over-21 and under-21 years of age. This of course means that the audience was made up of teeny boppers, desperate housewives, and young adults still living in their parents' basement who don't own cars. So how might Twilight cause the end of civilization? Let me explain some theories.1. No More Sex.
Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series is basically an overly-long parable for teenage abstinence. Except then, it's somewhat ironic that everyone in her film is tortured and tormented by temptation. Bella and Whatshisface must resist being together, Whatshisface's family must resist drinking human blood, and so on. All this is a veil for the theme of no sexy-time for teens - which is near fucking impossible to resist in our day and age. If all the women who see this film suddenly practice abstinence, human numbers will plummet as girls wait for marriage before sex (since Public Service Announcements and High School Health class taught me that 90% of us were unplanned teenage pregnancies out of wedlock). All of a sudden the Idiocracy effect will take place as inteligent girls put off sex and marriage for college, post-graduate work, and careers and along the way, run out of biological time to reproduce. Meanwhile, backwater hillbillys will continue to produce babies about as smart as bags of hammers at alarming rates, who will eventually outnumber normal people and rule the planet, thereby causing our downfall through stupidity. Which makes sense because, well, Twilight is really stupid.
2. Too much sex.
Stephenie Meyers spells her name with three E's and is Mormon; therefore (once getting married, of course) she is bound by ancient Mormon decree to have double-digits babies if possible. Actually, I guess they don't HAVE to, but all that abstinence backs up the pipes, I tell ya what! "Becoming a vampire" is Meyers' thinly-veiled replacement for "sex", and eventually shit's bound to go down. I did some wikipedying and found out that Bella eventually marries Whatshisface, SHOCK! I also found out that she gets knocked up...SO knocked up that is cuts their honeymoon celebration short...hmmmm. I don't know how quickly Vampire babies gestate, but we could have a Palin-Johnstone situation on our hands. The only way Whatshisface can save Bella is to turn her into a vampire so her body can handle vampire half-breed babies. Anyway, my point is, temptation leads to a hurried marriage and pregnancy, which runs fairly closely to Mormon-type operations. We could see an explosion of early marriage and nonstop baby-makin', leading to over-population of our planet, exhaustion of our world's resources, and collapse of Mother Nature's ability to sustain our existence. So in effect, we kill ourselves, which is what I would've done had I been forced to see Twilight on opening night.
3. Backlash war
A couple different scenarios could play out here. Vampire-on-Werewolf violence or Normal people-on-Twilight nerd violence. In the first variation, we will see the rise of violence between teeny boppers (and their moms) who wear Team Jacob or Team Edward underwear. Spurred by American consumerism, the two teams will clash in ever-escalating confrontations over whose underwear will rein supreme. The violence will spill out of movie theaters and into the streets of suburbia. Disgusted by these nerds, normal people will pack up and move to France. In the second variation, people who just want to live life without Twilight nerds all up in their faces will eventually lash back against the stiffling idiocy. Twilight fans will dress up like vampires and werewolves, giving them absolutely no powers or advantages in the fight to defend their beloved film franchise. They will get absolutely pummeled simply because they are 80% female and are hampered by their silly costumes. When the war is over, normal people will realize that we just killed off almost all women, unable to reproduce, humanity will go all Children-Of-Men on us.
0 comments:
Post a Comment